My Spirit My Self

My Spirit My Self

Sunday

Today my day has been full. Woke at 6:00 up at 6:30-made breakfast then off to the office to clean and then a work meeting at 10:00. Hate meetings like that because I always wonder if what my boss is saying is directed at me. I feel like it is not but being my second guessing self I question it. Hate that...

But my heart wasn't in it-this place of employment- as it has been- because my mind has taken another turn in the direction it wants/I want to go. John and I and some friends went to a restaurnant Friday night called Fishbones. I applied to this restaurant back in the spring. This is a high class upscale restaurant that has an amazing atmoshpere. I love it there and want a job there. However, they haven't needed to hire anyone (noone leaves) So once again as I was there for this amazing dinner, I chatted with our server-an old friend who I use to wait tables with-I just had this feeling like I need to be here. I can do this-I can be passionate about this place! I have been giving my passion to Thatchers and GridIron but I do have this "knowing" that I can do better-strive for more and be surrounded by people more like me who enjoy the finer things like exspensive food and wine. I kind of feel like being at GridIron exspecially, it is not the best for me mentally and socially. It reminds me a lot like the the restaurant I use to work at where I was so easily influenced by the young girls I worked with.
I feel like I can be here for now-working where I am-but I will need to get out fairly soon. And this is the really weird part-I know I will get a job at Fishbones-it is this knowing inside of me-I just don't know if it will come soon or if it will be in a little while. But it will be.
Now John asked, I thought you didn't want to work at night (they are only open for dinner)
and before I started to work days as I am I didn't think I would want to work nights again. But I am finding I am missing my days to myself and going to the gym and having time to write here and so on. I would miss seeing the kids every single night to put them to bed but I would be able to see them every afternoon for a bit and I would only work a max of 3 nights tops and probably make more money than I ever have made in my life! So losing 3 nights at home would be benefitial to all of us!
I just called my friend to speak with her again about working there-she said she would keep her ears open for me. Maybe I should go in there again to talk to the boss again? Who knows-I think I need to meditate on this for a bit.

The boys and John are working on building a "hut" for the snowmobile club up on some land his Dad owns. This will be a place that people can ride to and get warm have cookouts and things during the winter. I went to see them earlier and because it is drizzling they were soooo muddy! If it wasn't so yucky out and I didn't feel like I would be wasting precious time just standing around watch the men work, I would be up there myself. But being home is far more appealing to me:)

What is the deal with Tics this year anyway? I have pulled two grossly engorged ones off of Molly lately and one off the cat! It is nasty! Normally tics season is over but not this year!!!! I have to get some more front line!

Speaking of my dog-isn't it funny how coinicidence happen and how things are just meant to be? Yesterday we went to our new Skate Park in our neighboring town. Though I am not a fan of the language the older kids use and the way they nearly clean out the little kids every time they drop in my kids love it and always want to go. So we did. I ran into a lady I know from her kids and my kids going to preschool together. I haven't seen her in a while but thought of her just the other day and the saw her from afar at Walmart-then she was there yesterday. (funny how that works) we got talking and catching up. She had her dog with her and Ben mentioned how he looked like Molly with the light eyes and nose. Yes he most certainly did. So we started dog talking and she asked where we got her.
As it turned out her dog and my dog are from the same litter!! And she has coinicidently met another women who has another yellow lab from the same litter! November 19th is there birthdays and we have planned a get together with all the dogs-a sort of dog party I guess! My kids are loving this idea!!! Sometimes I am just amazed at the coinicidence that occur in life. Then again there are no coincidence are there?

Have a good rest of the day. I am off to make a fire and get cozy.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today my Mom would be 57 years old! I can't believe how time has gone by since her death. I had a relization the other day while listening to a book on tape. When my Mom died I had the option to go in and view her body to say goodbye-(as she lay unclothed on the bathroom floor)-I passed on that option. For even then, 7 years ago, I had a sense or knowing, that she was already gone-what was left was just the shell of the woman who once was. I didn't want that to be my last memory of her. I have never regretted that decision. My sister and grandmother didn't understand and thought it cold of me or that I wasn't grieving properly. I was unemotional and so strong. But that is how I needed to be-my tears came later. But a day like today-a celebration of her birth-isn't a sad day for me. I mean sure I think of her but do not dwell on why she isn't here or what could of been. I am grateful for the 50 years she was here as my mother and the 28 I got to spend with her. She still enters my thoughts daily and is in my heart always but I can't be selfish-it was her time to go and her soul to find another new journey to partake-and isn't that what it is all about? I love you Mom-your eyes will always sparkle that blue green I remember and your "crippled" hand was never crippled to me-it just made you more unique as my Mother. I'll always remember your bravery at killing spiders and how you tucked me in so tight at night. The smell of you-though cigarette laden and scope fresh- will always bring me back to when you were here and were mothering me. You weren't perfect-we never are-but you did good and I hope you are proud of me. Happy Birthday.

Halloween and My Life

I will make no excuses for not posting lately-though I have many legitimate ones! Work being the first! But I have found myself busy in the evening with homework with the kids and trying to read a little here and there and the fact that I am falling asleep at around 8:30-9:00 every night! The time change we did last weekend has been a killer for me! It has caused my already early riser Ben to wake up even earlier! So come 5:15am he is ready for the day and can't wait to wake the rest of the house! I am not one who pops my eyes open and am "ready for the new day"! I have to ease myself awake and slowly prepare to rise from my soooo comfortable haven of a bed! But I know one day I will miss being sandwiched between my two boys for that early morning cuddle and the echo and pull of my arm, "Mom, get up, get up!" as well as the dog edging up near us all because she doesn't realize she isn't human!

Halloween was a success. This year I was not as prepared as I like to be-last minute all the way which isn't how I usually like to work. But it all worked out in the end and the kids look great and John and I had a great time at Halloween party Sat night. Here is a picture of the kids:






I wish I could show you the entire picture of our costume but I am afraid I would offend! Let's just say John and I went as two stars that aren't in the pictures you see at the theater! And my hand which I cut out of the picture is actually holding something I fancied from my grandmothers knee highs!!! It was a hoot! Please anyone feel free to take a guess who we were! I will be sure to let you know if you guessed correctly!!!






So now onto more of where I am at these days. I am working 5 days a week-well 6 if you count the office I clean on Sundays but I don't. I am not minding it and kind of enjoying it except that this week at the second restaurant I work for I made crap for money and that just plain stinks. But I have faith and know it will come-I just have to be patient. I am enjoying the people and environment I am working with-though it scares me some. I am so easily influenced by others sometimes that I don't want to go "down that road again" by being surrounded by young crazy girls. I think that I am good with it now-this time-I remind myself daily-"I am not my past" I am on a totally different journey and have gained so much from past misjudgments.
I am reading 4 different books right now! Crazy I know-but two are CD's (wink)

"Change Your Mind, Change Your Life" Karen Casey
"The Mermaid Chair" Sue Monk Kidd
"Every Day Grace" Marianne Williamson
"Motherless Mothers" Hope Edelman

The first I mention is a lot like the Wayne Dyer book I just read that has been feeding my soul and has made huge changes in my life! But is speaks in simpler terms, much like I imagine myself writing a book. I reccomend it to anyone who wants to live a life more fully and who may struggle within at trying to control outcomes and behaviors.
The second, well, a bit a fiction for escape.
The third, a Cd, is a bit wordy at times yet the women who wrote this and reads it has the most soothing voice I could just listen for hours and I marvel at her amzing insight! Once again, a bit of the sme philosophy as Dr Dyer.
And the forth, ah the forth, has given me several "Ah Ha" moments. I am mesmorized by the insight and information this women shares. I feel at times she knows me-little old me- and speaks to me directly. And she is.You see until this book I never realized the impact of losing my Mother would have on how I mother my kids. Though my Mom died when Jack was 3 weeks old I had in my mind prepared for her imminent death long before. In a way she had died to me as my Mother when I was 15 because from that age on I was more her Mother than she was mine.
So how does this affect my mothering skills? Well, Motherless Mothers tend to be overprotective. Yup, that is me-not so much now but when they were younger. We also have a harder time letting our children learn how to self sooth at times of distress or bed time. Yup again-that is me.
And lastly, my self proclaimed mission to be a better Mother than my Mother! Oh this is a big one!
But I am grateful to say I have realized so much since the passing of her-maybe it is more my mind preserving the memory of her because she is no longer here or maybe I have forgiven her for any past hurts I had held onto. Whatever the case, I am so grateful for her being the woman she was and I wouldn't want one bit of my history to change. I hope she knows this wherever she may be. And how amzing that feels to genuinely feel this way. Forgiveness is very powerful indeed-it frees your soul. I don't believe I would have ever reached this place if it weren't for the gift of having children of my own.

Tonight as I sat in the hot tub I took a moment for some quiet and prayer/mediation
The words came so easily at the time yet now I struggle to remember;
It went something like this:
I pray for love to soften my heart,
I pray for wisdom, to enlighten my mind,
and I pray for forgiveness to free my soul.

Yes, life is good in the place that I am, I might not have made the money I depended on to pay my bills but I am RICH with love and peace!

Good night everyone.

Missing Me

Really, Really, I have been meaning to write-but since I last did my life has changed again. I am working on Mon and Tues and now working Thur and Fri at the other restaurant that my employers own. It is not yet as successful as Thatchers but it has potential. And me being me will do all I can in my power to help that along. John says I am a good employee to have. Well, yes maybe. But I do what I do and put my whole heart into it not for recognition outside of myself. I do it because I have to-I am choosing to live my life inspired and for now my path may only be waiting tables to put food on the table fo me and my family but eventually this will attract even greater things into my life. It isn't on my time table but on His.
So I am off and running for this Thursday! I still have to finalize the kids costumes and maybe even my own. We have a perty Sat night. Oh well, it will all come together-it always does!
Peace out!

Things Alawys Have A Way of Working Out

I do believe things have a way of working out. I am amazed at how it happened and how easily it came once I "let go" of the worry. I went deep inside myself and prayed or affirmed things to be. I simply said, what I need will come on God's time table, not mine. He knows what is best for me and will give me what I need.

So let me break it down for you and share the small miracle happened:
I lost a shift at work-approximately $50.00
I gained a house to clean this week- $50.00
I lost 2 kids for babysitting- $25.00
My weekly check that has been 20 bucks was $34.00 today.
My father-in-law came for a haircut and paid me 10 extra (the man is a Saint)

So I ended up right where I needed to be anyway and get to get my hair done on Sat! Thank You Thank You Thank You.
I am truly inspired!

Kids want to go up to watch Survivor-sorry so short!! Night All!

Wednesday Doldrums

It is Wednesday and somehow I couldn't motivate myself to go tot he gym this morning, so all day and now I feel like a lug. If I could have just done it I would have felt so much better. Oh well tomorrow, tomorrow...
I really don't want to piss and moan here because I have been on a high for the last month or so of good feelings and positive energy but today it seems to have deflated out of me and my old pattern of behavior to worry about money and not making enough has prevailed and is on my mind.
This week at my job I was only scheduled 2 lunches this week opposed to the three I had for the last two weeks. Also the neices I was being paid to babysit on Wed afternoons have decided to go elsewhere not by their choice but by their ignorant and selfish Mothers (that is a whole other entry) So even though I picked up and extra cleaning job for Friday I'm still not ahead where I want to be. Christmas is coming and the famly budget is to it's limits so I need to make some money for gifts! But I also hold the responsibility of groceries and my cell phone and my hair every 8 weeks (if I let that go I seriously would be gray, gray, gray and my self-esteem would go to shit so it IS an important expense!) But the feeling I get from people at work and even friends is that they don't see the money I make as important-like I just blow it on nothing because John is the primary breadwinner. But it is so untrue! It might look like on the outside that we HAVE a lot of $$$$ but we sooooo don't! Unfortunately my husband has a lot of "toys" but we are paying for them!
I hate to be in this frame of mind because I know the "things" are not important and I know it will work out and God has a plan that I need to trust but today I'm not so trusting...I worry...I want to work more to make more money but it isn't happening. Soon with Christmas coming it will get really busy and they will staff more girls at a time (the restaurant is in a Mall) so I have to be patient. Today I don't feel patient.

This morning I went to the library. I have always loved the library. (even though I was visually assaulted by some guy masterbating trying to look up my skirt when I was 15! Ya, I know! Another story..)Anyway our city just re did the entire library and it is spacious and beautiful! So today I just walked around the stacks hoping to be pulled in some direction-looking for some sort of sign or something. I stopped at a few places-first was poetry. The books in front of me were old and weathered and had that smell of old book! The authors Longfellow, Poe, and Frost jumped out at me! I saw Edna St Vincent Millay and Harriet Beecher Stowe and realized something. I knew these authors-at one time they really interested me-at one time I was a poet.
I have two "published books" of poetry to my name! Yes I really do! When I was 14 my mom's boyfriend owned a small printing press and he gathered my poems and made them into a book for me. For that I will always be grateful-he was/is a great man! Now when I see copies of these books and read through them I honestly want to puke! They are depressing and childish but they saved my life many a time. I never would have survived my life if I didn't have writing. Sometimes now I will share them with girls of that tender age so they can see that they are not alone in feeling the way you do when you are 13 or 14 and you think you will certainly die of a broken heart! Gosh I must have died like 50 times!!

Well, this is my entry for the night-John took the kids to Karate and I stayed home to cook supper! So I really must go check on that!
Tomorrow is another day and hopeful I will use it more wisely!