My Spirit My Self

2006-12-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

Sunday

2006-11-12T10:01:00.001-08:00

Today my day has been full. Woke at 6:00 up at 6:30-made breakfast then off to the office to clean and then a work meeting at 10:00. Hate meetings like that because I always wonder if what my boss is saying is directed at me. I feel like it is not but being my second guessing self I question it. Hate that...

But my heart wasn't in it-this place of employment- as it has been- because my mind has taken another turn in the direction it wants/I want to go. John and I and some friends went to a restaurnant Friday night called Fishbones. I applied to this restaurant back in the spring. This is a high class upscale restaurant that has an amazing atmoshpere. I love it there and want a job there. However, they haven't needed to hire anyone (noone leaves) So once again as I was there for this amazing dinner, I chatted with our server-an old friend who I use to wait tables with-I just had this feeling like I need to be here. I can do this-I can be passionate about this place! I have been giving my passion to Thatchers and GridIron but I do have this "knowing" that I can do better-strive for more and be surrounded by people more like me who enjoy the finer things like exspensive food and wine. I kind of feel like being at GridIron exspecially, it is not the best for me mentally and socially. It reminds me a lot like the the restaurant I use to work at where I was so easily influenced by the young girls I worked with.
I feel like I can be here for now-working where I am-but I will need to get out fairly soon. And this is the really weird part-I know I will get a job at Fishbones-it is this knowing inside of me-I just don't know if it will come soon or if it will be in a little while. But it will be.
Now John asked, I thought you didn't want to work at night (they are only open for dinner)
and before I started to work days as I am I didn't think I would want to work nights again. But I am finding I am missing my days to myself and going to the gym and having time to write here and so on. I would miss seeing the kids every single night to put them to bed but I would be able to see them every afternoon for a bit and I would only work a max of 3 nights tops and probably make more money than I ever have made in my life! So losing 3 nights at home would be benefitial to all of us!
I just called my friend to speak with her again about working there-she said she would keep her ears open for me. Maybe I should go in there again to talk to the boss again? Who knows-I think I need to meditate on this for a bit.

The boys and John are working on building a "hut" for the snowmobile club up on some land his Dad owns. This will be a place that people can ride to and get warm have cookouts and things during the winter. I went to see them earlier and because it is drizzling they were soooo muddy! If it wasn't so yucky out and I didn't feel like I would be wasting precious time just standing around watch the men work, I would be up there myself. But being home is far more appealing to me:)

What is the deal with Tics this year anyway? I have pulled two grossly engorged ones off of Molly lately and one off the cat! It is nasty! Normally tics season is over but not this year!!!! I have to get some more front line!

Speaking of my dog-isn't it funny how coinicidence happen and how things are just meant to be? Yesterday we went to our new Skate Park in our neighboring town. Though I am not a fan of the language the older kids use and the way they nearly clean out the little kids every time they drop in my kids love it and always want to go. So we did. I ran into a lady I know from her kids and my kids going to preschool together. I haven't seen her in a while but thought of her just the other day and the saw her from afar at Walmart-then she was there yesterday. (funny how that works) we got talking and catching up. She had her dog with her and Ben mentioned how he looked like Molly with the light eyes and nose. Yes he most certainly did. So we started dog talking and she asked where we got her.
As it turned out her dog and my dog are from the same litter!! And she has coinicidently met another women who has another yellow lab from the same litter! November 19th is there birthdays and we have planned a get together with all the dogs-a sort of dog party I guess! My kids are loving this idea!!! Sometimes I am just amazed at the coinicidence that occur in life. Then again there are no coincidence are there?

Have a good rest of the day. I am off to make a fire and get cozy.

Happy Birthday Mom

2006-11-04T19:02:00.000-08:00

Today my Mom would be 57 years old! I can't believe how time has gone by since her death. I had a relization the other day while listening to a book on tape. When my Mom died I had the option to go in and view her body to say goodbye-(as she lay unclothed on the bathroom floor)-I passed on that option. For even then, 7 years ago, I had a sense or knowing, that she was already gone-what was left was just the shell of the woman who once was. I didn't want that to be my last memory of her. I have never regretted that decision. My sister and grandmother didn't understand and thought it cold of me or that I wasn't grieving properly. I was unemotional and so strong. But that is how I needed to be-my tears came later. But a day like today-a celebration of her birth-isn't a sad day for me. I mean sure I think of her but do not dwell on why she isn't here or what could of been. I am grateful for the 50 years she was here as my mother and the 28 I got to spend with her. She still enters my thoughts daily and is in my heart always but I can't be selfish-it was her time to go and her soul to find another new journey to partake-and isn't that what it is all about? I love you Mom-your eyes will always sparkle that blue green I remember and your "crippled" hand was never crippled to me-it just made you more unique as my Mother. I'll always remember your bravery at killing spiders and how you tucked me in so tight at night. The smell of you-though cigarette laden and scope fresh- will always bring me back to when you were here and were mothering me. You weren't perfect-we never are-but you did good and I hope you are proud of me. Happy Birthday.

Halloween and My Life

2006-11-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

I will make no excuses for not posting lately-though I have many legitimate ones! Work being the first! But I have found myself busy in the evening with homework with the kids and trying to read a little here and there and the fact that I am falling asleep at around 8:30-9:00 every night! The time change we did last weekend has been a killer for me! It has caused my already early riser Ben to wake up even earlier! So come 5:15am he is ready for the day and can't wait to wake the rest of the house! I am not one who pops my eyes open and am "ready for the new day"! I have to ease myself awake and slowly prepare to rise from my soooo comfortable haven of a bed! But I know one day I will miss being sandwiched between my two boys for that early morning cuddle and the echo and pull of my arm, "Mom, get up, get up!" as well as the dog edging up near us all because she doesn't realize she isn't human!

Halloween was a success. This year I was not as prepared as I like to be-last minute all the way which isn't how I usually like to work. But it all worked out in the end and the kids look great and John and I had a great time at Halloween party Sat night. Here is a picture of the kids:

I wish I could show you the entire picture of our costume but I am afraid I would offend! Let's just say John and I went as two stars that aren't in the pictures you see at the theater! And my hand which I cut out of the picture is actually holding something I fancied from my grandmothers knee highs!!! It was a hoot! Please anyone feel free to take a guess who we were! I will be sure to let you know if you guessed correctly!!!

So now onto more of where I am at these days. I am working 5 days a week-well 6 if you count the office I clean on Sundays but I don't. I am not minding it and kind of enjoying it except that this week at the second restaurant I work for I made crap for money and that just plain stinks. But I have faith and know it will come-I just have to be patient. I am enjoying the people and environment I am working with-though it scares me some. I am so easily influenced by others sometimes that I don't want to go "down that road again" by being surrounded by young crazy girls. I think that I am good with it now-this time-I remind myself daily-"I am not my past" I am on a totally different journey and have gained so much from past misjudgments.
I am reading 4 different books right now! Crazy I know-but two are CD's (wink)

"Change Your Mind, Change Your Life" Karen Casey
"The Mermaid Chair" Sue Monk Kidd
"Every Day Grace" Marianne Williamson
"Motherless Mothers" Hope Edelman

The first I mention is a lot like the Wayne Dyer book I just read that has been feeding my soul and has made huge changes in my life! But is speaks in simpler terms, much like I imagine myself writing a book. I reccomend it to anyone who wants to live a life more fully and who may struggle within at trying to control outcomes and behaviors.
The second, well, a bit a fiction for escape.
The third, a Cd, is a bit wordy at times yet the women who wrote this and reads it has the most soothing voice I could just listen for hours and I marvel at her amzing insight! Once again, a bit of the sme philosophy as Dr Dyer.
And the forth, ah the forth, has given me several "Ah Ha" moments. I am mesmorized by the insight and information this women shares. I feel at times she knows me-little old me- and speaks to me directly. And she is.You see until this book I never realized the impact of losing my Mother would have on how I mother my kids. Though my Mom died when Jack was 3 weeks old I had in my mind prepared for her imminent death long before. In a way she had died to me as my Mother when I was 15 because from that age on I was more her Mother than she was mine.
So how does this affect my mothering skills? Well, Motherless Mothers tend to be overprotective. Yup, that is me-not so much now but when they were younger. We also have a harder time letting our children learn how to self sooth at times of distress or bed time. Yup again-that is me.
And lastly, my self proclaimed mission to be a better Mother than my Mother! Oh this is a big one!
But I am grateful to say I have realized so much since the passing of her-maybe it is more my mind preserving the memory of her because she is no longer here or maybe I have forgiven her for any past hurts I had held onto. Whatever the case, I am so grateful for her being the woman she was and I wouldn't want one bit of my history to change. I hope she knows this wherever she may be. And how amzing that feels to genuinely feel this way. Forgiveness is very powerful indeed-it frees your soul. I don't believe I would have ever reached this place if it weren't for the gift of having children of my own.

Tonight as I sat in the hot tub I took a moment for some quiet and prayer/mediation
The words came so easily at the time yet now I struggle to remember;
It went something like this:
I pray for love to soften my heart,
I pray for wisdom, to enlighten my mind,
and I pray for forgiveness to free my soul.

Yes, life is good in the place that I am, I might not have made the money I depended on to pay my bills but I am RICH with love and peace!

Good night everyone.

Missing Me

2006-10-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

Really, Really, I have been meaning to write-but since I last did my life has changed again. I am working on Mon and Tues and now working Thur and Fri at the other restaurant that my employers own. It is not yet as successful as Thatchers but it has potential. And me being me will do all I can in my power to help that along. John says I am a good employee to have. Well, yes maybe. But I do what I do and put my whole heart into it not for recognition outside of myself. I do it because I have to-I am choosing to live my life inspired and for now my path may only be waiting tables to put food on the table fo me and my family but eventually this will attract even greater things into my life. It isn't on my time table but on His.
So I am off and running for this Thursday! I still have to finalize the kids costumes and maybe even my own. We have a perty Sat night. Oh well, it will all come together-it always does!
Peace out!

Things Alawys Have A Way of Working Out

2006-10-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

I do believe things have a way of working out. I am amazed at how it happened and how easily it came once I "let go" of the worry. I went deep inside myself and prayed or affirmed things to be. I simply said, what I need will come on God's time table, not mine. He knows what is best for me and will give me what I need.

So let me break it down for you and share the small miracle happened:
I lost a shift at work-approximately $50.00
I gained a house to clean this week- $50.00
I lost 2 kids for babysitting- $25.00
My weekly check that has been 20 bucks was $34.00 today.
My father-in-law came for a haircut and paid me 10 extra (the man is a Saint)

So I ended up right where I needed to be anyway and get to get my hair done on Sat! Thank You Thank You Thank You.
I am truly inspired!

Kids want to go up to watch Survivor-sorry so short!! Night All!

Wednesday Doldrums

2006-10-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

It is Wednesday and somehow I couldn't motivate myself to go tot he gym this morning, so all day and now I feel like a lug. If I could have just done it I would have felt so much better. Oh well tomorrow, tomorrow...
I really don't want to piss and moan here because I have been on a high for the last month or so of good feelings and positive energy but today it seems to have deflated out of me and my old pattern of behavior to worry about money and not making enough has prevailed and is on my mind.
This week at my job I was only scheduled 2 lunches this week opposed to the three I had for the last two weeks. Also the neices I was being paid to babysit on Wed afternoons have decided to go elsewhere not by their choice but by their ignorant and selfish Mothers (that is a whole other entry) So even though I picked up and extra cleaning job for Friday I'm still not ahead where I want to be. Christmas is coming and the famly budget is to it's limits so I need to make some money for gifts! But I also hold the responsibility of groceries and my cell phone and my hair every 8 weeks (if I let that go I seriously would be gray, gray, gray and my self-esteem would go to shit so it IS an important expense!) But the feeling I get from people at work and even friends is that they don't see the money I make as important-like I just blow it on nothing because John is the primary breadwinner. But it is so untrue! It might look like on the outside that we HAVE a lot of $$$$ but we sooooo don't! Unfortunately my husband has a lot of "toys" but we are paying for them!
I hate to be in this frame of mind because I know the "things" are not important and I know it will work out and God has a plan that I need to trust but today I'm not so trusting...I worry...I want to work more to make more money but it isn't happening. Soon with Christmas coming it will get really busy and they will staff more girls at a time (the restaurant is in a Mall) so I have to be patient. Today I don't feel patient.

This morning I went to the library. I have always loved the library. (even though I was visually assaulted by some guy masterbating trying to look up my skirt when I was 15! Ya, I know! Another story..)Anyway our city just re did the entire library and it is spacious and beautiful! So today I just walked around the stacks hoping to be pulled in some direction-looking for some sort of sign or something. I stopped at a few places-first was poetry. The books in front of me were old and weathered and had that smell of old book! The authors Longfellow, Poe, and Frost jumped out at me! I saw Edna St Vincent Millay and Harriet Beecher Stowe and realized something. I knew these authors-at one time they really interested me-at one time I was a poet.
I have two "published books" of poetry to my name! Yes I really do! When I was 14 my mom's boyfriend owned a small printing press and he gathered my poems and made them into a book for me. For that I will always be grateful-he was/is a great man! Now when I see copies of these books and read through them I honestly want to puke! They are depressing and childish but they saved my life many a time. I never would have survived my life if I didn't have writing. Sometimes now I will share them with girls of that tender age so they can see that they are not alone in feeling the way you do when you are 13 or 14 and you think you will certainly die of a broken heart! Gosh I must have died like 50 times!!

Well, this is my entry for the night-John took the kids to Karate and I stayed home to cook supper! So I really must go check on that!
Tomorrow is another day and hopeful I will use it more wisely!

Karate and Fish-n-Chips

2006-10-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight the kids had their first Karate Class. I had previously aksed Chris what to look for in a good class and instructor. I think we found it! And thank you Chris! (I'd link you but every time I try it goes screwy!)
This guy was nice and friendly yet demanded respect from his students. I was impressed. My kids did great and loved it! John and I sit there and are almost embarassed at how well they behave! Nobody ever has to tell them twice to do anything-we are so lucky that way-they are just such good boys! Ofcourse their were some younger kids there that if they were mine I would of pretended they weren't ;) But Sensai handled them well and this is probably just what they need. So we will go back and definitely sign them up after the two week trial.

Yesterday we went to a Mainiacs hockey game. This a local semi pro team that is made up of 16 to 20 year olds. Our neighbors across the street house tow of the players from Slovakia so they gave us free tickets!! yea! Thank you great neighbors! We had a good time and they won! I think we had a great weekend all in all! We weren't busy busy and didn't really go anywhere other than hiking and the game but it was so nice! I went for a walk with the kids yesterday-I walked they rollerbladed. It was all fine and good except I had to pull them up the hills! But hey it was a good work out right!

Saturday night I watch "The Passion of the Christ" all by myself. Now I don't have a lot of knowledge obout the Bible but I have a great understanding of God-I just had so many questions about the "story"- who was he, why did he do this or that, what did that mean? So I know some of you out there have way more insight into this movie so if you do please share-like who was the creepy guy that kept showing up when death or doubt was near? (When Jesus stepped on the snake) Was that just a symbolic figure or was he someone actually in the bible? Watching that movie has made me want to learn more about the story of the bible etc. But I am not much interested in reading the ACTUAL bible-that would be so hard for me. Maybe one day...

Today I worked and it wasn't very busy :( I felt like the day dragged. But I did get to try our Fish-n-Chips! I am not a huge fish fan-though I am trying to be-and the fried pieces of haddock and hand cut fries were amazing! No wonder everyone orders it all the time! I am in the process of making a MySpace page for the restaurant I work for so I will be able to share a little bit of my days with you all! I am bummed I am only working 2 days this week though but I have an idea to try to earn some money elsewhere in the cleaning field! So on Thursday I am going to take a Yoga class which will be nice since I won't be working:)

Well I must go-the kids are ready to get tucked in to bed. Deal or No Deal is on and that is our show!! Have a great night all!

I spoke too soon!!!!

2006-10-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, now where the heck did I go on the right side bar? Why is it with this post only I dissapear? It has to be something to do with the code thing hugh? Help me anyone who has a clue!!! Thanks!!!

Hike To Streaked Mountain

2006-10-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

So the kids and I went on a hike today to a place called Streaked Mountain. I had been there a few times before, I think John and I actually took Ben when he was 1 or 2 on our back in the back pack carrier. However, I don't recall gasping for air as I did today! Holy crap it was steep! My butt burned on the way up and my knees killed on the way down! But all in all it was a great day and we all enjoyed ourselves! I wish I had a better camera to give the colors of the changed leaves justice but I don't-that is on my wish list though;)

Ben taking his first rest!

Jack showing us how very steep this mountain was!!!

On top of the world!!!!!

The view....

Ben's friend took our picture!
Now I have to brag a little bit here and those of you who know me like Astaryth and Tammy will be sooo proud! I actually put these pictures in this entry using HTML codes can you believe it? Sometimes my own brillance astounds me!!! NOT!!
Anyway, hope maybe some pictures will bring some comments or new readers!! Where the heck is everybody anyway???
Hope you all have had a great Saturday!!!

Friday The 13th and Sleepovers

2006-10-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am not "aligned" today with my spirit.
What does that mean you might ask? Well it means things didn't flow easily today as it they have been lately. It started out fine-I went cleaning like always to Melissa's but upon leaving there it all went to crap! The bank wouldn't cash my check because I didn't have enough money in the account to cover it (go figure)! So I go to the bank it is drawn on and they no longer exist! After traveling around Friday noon traffic I find a TD Banknorth and they graciously cash my check! (they bought out Peoples) Phew! Oh but it gets better!
I go to Hannaford to buy my groceries and realize upon getting back to the car with my groceries that I have locked my keys in the car! So I call John who is also having a bad day to bring my extra set. Surprisingly he doesn't bite my head off and he does bring them in his own time. I have done this so many times right at Hannaford-it is kindo comical! (though not today)
I had enough time to put most of the groceries away before having to go get the kids. It wasn't too bad of a misalignment but enough that I did get flustered.
So what would being in alignment mean? Things would flow~the bank would cash my check~the keys would be in the ignition but one door would have been unlocked. No such luck this afternoon though. Oh well, we have to have those days too.

So Ben has Max over-his best buddy and it is Friday the 13th. They are going to watch semi scary movies later I guess. Ben is driving me nuts being all show offy and stuff. Boys I guess.
I had tried to changed my pic on the blog and all I ended up doing was changing it in my profile. So if any of ya want to relay the info for this rusty blogger I would appreciate it!
So my night will consist of the hot tub and hopefully some reading. If I get some comments with some help on my picture I may play around with a bit as well. I hope everybody has a wonderful night!

A quick hello

2006-10-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Good Monday Morning to everyone! I have to say I am truly humbled and surprised by the comments I received upon my sort of "return". Thank you everyone and I have made a decision to definitely return to HERE! I just love the way the blogs look here and the speed of the site is way faster! And lastly and most importantly because of all of you!
Today is Columbus Day and what a gorgeous day it is going to be. I have to work though today :( Normally I wouldn't mind this but I am feeling a little bummed because the kids are home. They will be bouncing between Tammy's and here because John is home working in the garage. But I know how distracted he can get so I wanted to make sure I had Tammy as the safegaurd to assure that my kids get lunch and proper attention when needed. John just isn't a good multi tasker if you know what I mean;)
So I guess I must get myself in the shower and put on my waitress Happy Face and spread some good cheer to the little old men who leave me a dollar no matter how high their bill is! Ehhh it's all good-it always works out in the end anyway!

I shall leave you with this quote from Wayne Dyer that I repeat to myself daily:
"When you change the way you look at things, the way you look at things change."
Good Day all!

A Return Of Sorts

2006-10-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone! Remember me??? After a long (long because I watched kids every day!!) yet too fast summer-I have been having a little extra time for myself to write and play on the computer! I actually joined SoulCast-Ya I got sucked in to the add to make money while blogging. So far the people and the community have been wonderful. As far as the way the Blogs look...ehh kinda boring and the site just seems slow! I just wanted something new and fresh but now I am missing my friends I made here (well aol and now here)
So I want to pose a few questions to some old friends who may still read me once the shock of me actually posting wears off! Do any of you use Adsense on your Blogs? Would you? Has anyone actually made any money? I was just curious.
I am going to add a post I made on SoulCast to sum up kind of where I am at these days:

I have found myself in a new and wonderful place lately. I think I have finally found the magic and peace I have been looking for all of my life. Where did it come from and how did I find it you may ask? Well, I found it simply by chance in a book. I haven't always felt such contentment in my life. I came from a single parent family and only met my father when I was 17. My Mother struggled with depression,alcolholism and mental illness. My older sister of a different Dad became a teenage Mother like our own Mother was.And I, I did exactly what I was supposed to do and hoped if I was perfect it would be enough to change my Mother. And then one day in the height of her manic/depressive episodes I decided to not give a (bleep) anymore and I slowly started down my own path of destruction. I stayed on that path for about two years and revisited it now and then through my early twenties.Somehow, someway I managed to graduate high school and get into college and was finally going somewhere right? Well, it was short lived and I dropped out my second year. (I only just realized now that I had already assumed I would fail and so I did)I found some help in books and al-anon. I became and avid reader of Melody Beattie and learned a lot about myself through counseling as I tried to make peace with the anger I had for my Mother. Eventually, I did forgive her and was able to put it behind me and move on with my life in a better direction. I married a wonderful man and started my own family. The true height of my forgiving heart came only after I had my own children and sadly she passed.Now where am I going with all of this you are wondering as you read. I think I have a lot of insight to share and have been given many "gifts" in my lifetime as Wayne Dyer might say.I want to share with all of you the journey I am partaking. This new found inner peace that has enveloped my soul makes my heart sing and my soul dance with joy! I wish everyone could feel the way I feel! So if you are interested in finding more joy and peace in your life I think what I have to say may interest you. This is My Story-my Life. Join me on my Journey.

Now most of you know "My Story" but I wanted to add this in here at Blogspot because I hope to find new readers who want to share in my growth and inspiration.
I'm still me, being a wife and Mom. I recently took up a part-time job as a waitress again during days when the kids are at school. I am enjoying the atmosphere and new friends I have made. Life is good. (wish I were the guys that sloganed that!!)
Hope everyone is well and in good health and peace!

2006-05-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

Most importantly today I want to mention a friend who had a BIG day today. Tammy had her trial in Virginia today for one of her rapist. I can't even begin to imagine what she had to go though today. In speaking with her husband tonight I do know the defendant's attorney tried to make it look like a consensual thing. Ya Right! I will spare you my rage on this! Please be thinking of her and send her some positive energy! She will need it!
Also check out Oprah's page on How To Live a Longer Healthier Life. It was an awesome show today! I want to share this information with everyone! Please check out the info!
Have a good night! Ben is bugging me to use the computer!

Vacation Pics

2006-04-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

I have been MIA now for some time-I do apologize. I have never been been very good at being good at many things. I am better at being good at few things-does that make sense. So my journal has taken a backseat to other things like outside work and vacations and such.

Which brings me to the majority of my entry tonight. Our vacation to Myrtle Beach! It was good! I don't know if we will go back to that particular hotel but maybe to North Myrtle Beach. It was still nice to get away and be together as a family. We did many things; Broadway at the Beach, Margaritaville (ofcourse), Nascar, Planet Hollywood, the beach, the pools...very busy. And that was where we went wrong, I am more into the quiet vacation type but we didn't KNOW Myrtle Beach was like that and once the kids saw all the stuff we were doomed! Oh well, they had fun and so did we don't get me wrong, but I could have stayed on the beach everyday! The weather was awesome-I can't wait for summer here! Soon, soon!
So here are some pictures!

This past week I have been dog sitting for Jack's old kindergarten teacher and my now friend. Her dog's name is Beau and she is a 4 year old chocolate lab. SHE has wormed her way into my heart as all pets seem to these days! I have to say I have really enjoyed her company and are really wanting another dog! Am I crazy you say? Isn't a dog, cat,snake, 2 mice, 2 fish enough!? Yes it is more than enough but I have learned something about myself. I am happiest when I am "mothering". I am a mother-whether you are a human or a four legged feline or dog-I will mother you. It fills my soul. As a kid I had a few pets here and there and I was never very good at taking care of them. My Mom did most of the work (mmm sounds famliar) but now I find myself being very responsible and caring with all these pets we have aquired. I pick up dog poop and cat litter/poop and mouse poop and snake poop and I don't even complain! I think I have paid my penance for letting my rabbits cage get so gross!!! My Mom would be proud!
So here is Molly and Beau on our porch. I think Beau may have felt like she was at Fat Camp-we don't do table scraps and I walked her everyday! She definitely lost some of that "junk in the trunk"! But what a peach! She blows Molly's doors off fetching ball! Molly tends to just keep the ball and not return it! Beau is a master catcher and retreiver! I just love Labs! They are such great family dogs!

So tonight "the boys" are having a bit of a sleep over/camp out. Ben said he got invited to Brayden's to sleepover and that wasn't quite true. So John made a tent for them in the living room and they are all sleeping down there. I guess me and Molly will have the bed to ourselves! John is such a good Dad like that! I think he is feeling bad because he had to work today and tomorrow. But the boys are going with him in the morning so I can go clean the office. I am back to that again after a bit of a break. Long story but I have been very broke lately with less and less money for my weekly budget. So I shall suck it up and scrub toliets once again! Oh well-money is money!
Well, I am getting tired and my right ass cheek is hurting! I am having a bit of siactic nerve trouble this evening-it comes and goes-my walk today seemed to bother it more than usual.So good night everyone-keep checking in with me!! I'll be around here and there!

Which Brady Are YOU?

2006-03-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

You Are Marcia Brady

Confident yet kind. Popular yet down to earth. You're a total dream girl.
You've got the total package - no wonder everyone's a little jealous of you.

Too funny!

What Brady Are You?

Love That "Learning Curve" word

2006-03-25T13:46:00.000-08:00

By now most of you probably think I have dropped off the face of the earth. But No, I am still here! Where the hell have I been you might ask? Well, I was on the "Learning Curve" existance of Ebay!(I have been hearing that word so much lately! Like in Chris's journal) Well, now I must say I am not still on the curve, the curve was a huge twirling loopdey loop for me and I fell off several times! Now I have resigned my "Great New Way To Make Money" and will use all I have learned for a "Great Way To Get Rid of Junk and Make little Money!" So now my time is free for more creative ventures for the time being, like writing in my blog or knitting and reading. I say for the time being because soon I will be busy planting my garden and doing work outside and around the pool so most of my time will be spent outside!
What has been happening with me lately? Well, not that you all are just dying to know but I will tell you anyway! We went to see Fall Out Boy and All American Rejects on the 16th with the kids. It was one long ass concert with 3 bands before they even played! I sat horrified with all the other parents with their kids watching young teenagers crowd surf to the front and be pulled out by security over and over again! I thought about my young concert days and how I would push and push to the front in hopes to reach the front row and have "the band" see me and then they would then pull me up on stage like the Bruce Springstien video! Well, it never happened and all that sweat and pressed bodies is just way too much DNA for this old gal now! Not to mention I would be embarassed to be in the spotlight like that now! (you might not believe that when you see the picture of me later in the entry)

We leave on April 7th to drive to Myrtle Beach with the kids! I wanted to go to a more Carribean place but it is just too expensive, so this will do. I am excited to be at the beach and have all the time with the kids and John to connect and feel Grateful. (Chris, wink) I just hope it is nice and warm! I love to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin in the Spring after a long miserable winter! I like winter, but I LOVE summer!!

So last night John and I had a party to go to for a friend, a birthday party. The night before he had gone out with his single younger brother (Thur) and they ended up at this fairly new bar in our town that is a country bar. It was dead there that night but the waitress told them , "you have to come this weekend, we have Bull Riding once a month and it is packed!" So when we went out last night I told my hubby I wanted to check it out-just to see. I like country music but I normally listen to contemporary or folk so going to this place would be a change for me.
So we go at around 10:30 and sure enough it IS PACKED and people are wearing cowboy hats and big old belt buckles and cowboy boots! It was so cool! Then one of the people we were with, a younger kid who is awesome on the Bull, puts MY name in to do it! I tell him, NO, NO, I can't!! They start calling my name over the loud speaker!! Talk about peer pressure! So I say, "oh okay, I'll do it!" I make the guy running the thing swear he'll be nice to me! And you know what? I did good!!! I hung onto that thing so hard with my inner thigh muscles that I am having a hard time walking today but...I didn't fall off!!
So here is the EVIDENCE...

The pictures were taken from my phone so the qaulity isn't so great but oh well, they are good just to have!! What a fun night! Other than a little drama from a NON friend, all was good and my mind is so clear on who I can trust and who I cannot. I think finally things have turned a corner as far as all the people/friends I have had trouble with and hurt me in the past. I mean I am still, cautious and careful not to get my open heart broken yet again but I am careful yet learning to be free with myself again. I am slowly letting myself be me again. It feels good.

Life is good. Ben is doing amazing! Now, in hindsight, I can't even believe we got through such hard times! But that is the way it works in life isn't it? Somehow, God gives you strength to make it through-He gives you exactly what you need. (even if it isn't what you asked for or thought you needed)
I am feeling pretty darn Grateful tonight and I'm not even on vacation yet!!
Thank all for reading-I've missed you!

I Am Still Alive!

2006-03-08T16:25:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone!
Yes I am still here! I have been consumed with learning the EBay basics so I can sell items on EBay! Yes, a new venture for John and I! I am so thankful that I got involoved with Journals a year ago (more) because I have a little bit of a clue on pictures and HTML. (very little) I have found some wonderfully helpful new friends and some great web sites! Actually, I will give a few links for them here. That is just one of like a million I have come across! Check the link out-it helps you with easy things like clearing your cache, to adding backgrounds.
Anyway, kids are ready to go to bed so I must go.
American idol awaits.....

Home Again

2006-02-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

As you know I have been away. We returned yesterday afternoon but I wasn't feeling well. So after I unpacked I had to lay down. You know when you have been sick for a few days you wonder if you will ever be well again. That is how I feel. I think I had a combo of the flu and a sinus infection; or maybe I just felt so sick from the sinus infection. Anyway, I had a left over bottle of anitbiotics from last year and I started taking them yesterday. I feel more human today. Thank Goodness. I didn't make it to the gym today but I will try tomorrow.

Our trip was good-very laid back. We relaxed and I knitted and read. We did puzzles and played a few games. A friend of ours who family has a camp right up the road spent a lot of time with us so it gave the kids friends to play with. John and Chad made a luge in the yard for sledding which was awesome! Oh ya, they got 6 inches of snow while we were there. This was not enough for snowmobiling but fun for sledding.
We went ice fishing one day and caught nothing but it gave us something to do.
I had 183 e-mails when I got back so needless to say I am far behind on journals. I may just delete and start fresh since it can be such a daunting task with so many alerts. So sorry-ya all. But I will try to catch up little by little.
Well, I am off to make supper and do homework. Catch ya tomorrow!

Haircuts,Movies and Food!

2006-02-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

Well if you read Tammy's blog, you know that Ben's sleepover went well! The power went out and everything and he stayed! He didn't even call! (But I did, just to check) Jack's sleepover was okay too. But the boy he had over is a young 6 and an only child who is so used to playing by himself that... he played by himself ...a lot. Jack was less than impressed. He is a GREAT little boy! But Jack has an older brother and likes to play "older" things. Anyway, once the power went out we ALL were in my King size bed because the kids were afraid. John ended up in Jack's bed and Jacob at the end of my bed with Molly and Jack next to me. C'est Le Vie! Whatever works to get us through the night!

The kids went for haircuts yesterday at my friends salon. They got shampooed and cut by two very pretty girls! They, the hair stylist, did exactly what I asked. They kept it kind of long and thinned it out. But once we got home Ben especially thought he looked like a girl. I tried to convince him No, he didn't, but he did look very "pretty". So out came my clippers. I have no liscense to cut hair but do cut John's and my father-in-laws. I put a 1 inch gaurd on and off we went! It was short, but once you start you can't go back. Once we were done, I thought it looked great! My little boy once again! He looked so handsome! But the shreiks that came from Ben upon looking in the mirror were heard throughout the neighborhood I'm sure! The poor guy was devastated! I felt bad because he was SOOOOOOOO upset! John and I had a hard time not laughing because it is just hair and we as adults know that their are a lot worse things in life but to a 9 year old, well, it is their HAIR! I tried to console him but it took a long while to calm down. We had plans to go see "8 Below" so he had to get it together so we could go.
Today we highlighted the top and I cut Jack's hair too so he wouldn't look so much like Brayden's girlfriend Alexis!! LOL I think they both look sooooooooooooooooooo handsome! Don't you?

Before:

After:

Oh how Handsome!

And ofcourse Jack! They were playing cops and robbers-hence the handcuffs!

So I mentioned we went to see "8 Below" yesterday afternoon. What a good movie! I cried and Ben cried at one part too! It was hard to watch at times being an animal lover! But it is definitely a good movie to go see with your 6 and up kids! I think it would be too emotional and scary for younger aged kids.
Today after we closed "the beauty shop" I did some cooking. We are leaving Tuesday afternoon for our anual trip to Eustice. However, this year their is NO snow for snowmobiling! (Ya, here in Maine! They usually are buried by now!) We will bring our four wheelers and maybe do some icefishing and play around on the lake. We will also go to Sugarloaf Mountain and go to the snow tubing park which will be fun! They also have a climbing wall and skate park for the kids. I also plan to knit! And read and relax and spend time enjoying my family! We bought some new puzzles to work on while there and have lots of games to play. It is beautiful place. But this may be our last year because our friend who lets us use it is selling it for some unGodly price that an out of stater will gladly pay. We may eventually build our own one day-that would be John's dream. My dream would be at the ocean but Eustice is nice too:)

So I did me some cooking today to take with us!! I made american chop suey for the kids and chocolate cupcakes and the best meatbals of my life! Wholy crap! You know what I did? Top secret here, but I will share with you all! I put in some Charlie Big's apple bbq sauce and crushed up potato chips! (along with the normal stuff I always put in) They were yummy! We will make us some mean meatball subs this week I tell ya!
I am chuckling to myself with my accent I am throwing in! I assure you, I do not have a Maine accent when I speak! Right Tammy?!
Have a wonderful night!! You may not see around for a while!

Moving Fast

2006-02-15T18:16:00.000-08:00

Things seem to be moving fast in the world of my child's anxiety. Ben announced today that he wants to "try" to sleep at Brayden's Fri night. Hugh? What? Am I ready for this? Wow, how things change. So I called Tammy and graciously invited my son over for a sleep over. She accepted and felt very happy to be a part of this milestone for Ben. We will see how it goes. I have a feeling it will be harder on me that him. I received a letter today from the doctor who evaluated Ben a few weeks back-outlining our visit and the plan for treatment. It was all very accurate, but scared the crap out of me a little bit too. I think seeing it all down on paper as to what we have been dealing with for I could say months, but it more like years, is alarming. I can't believe it was that bad. But it was! Ben has been taking an SSRI since last Monday (10 days) and I have been reading a life saving book called "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety" and the change in him is amazing! The boy who once couldn't enjoy time spent with friends because he was always so worried about "the next thing" is now having fun and goofing off and being a 9 year old child! My heart soars! I am learning so much about anxiety with this book, I reccomend it to anyone who thinks their child "might" have issues. My Goodness, it more prominent now a days in young children than you know! Most anxiety for people starts in childhood. I know mine did! It is like this-and I hope I can explain it well enough-as humans we all have a "fight or flight" instinct. This instinct keeps us safe from harm and lets us know when their may be harm. A person/child with anxiety is "wired" a little differently. When a situation comes up, (or thought or worry) most people can differentiate between a real problem or situation that needs the "fight or flight" instinct. But a person with anxiety can't do that and their "worry brain" goes into overload with "what if's." This is my son. This is me (at times). But I am learning through counseling and this great book how to help Ben manage his thoughts and take charge of that "worry brain." It isn't easy but the medication is helping a little to take the edge off for him-for now. He needs to learn enventually, on his own, without medication, how to deal with these behaviors. Also, and this is the really scary part, we need to observe carefully if he displays more prominent OCD behavior. I believe his "re-checking of homework and asking me 10 tens if I will pick him at 3:00 is more a part of the anxiety but we will keep an eye. John said to me today,after reading the evaluation, "what kind of person will he be as and adult?" Name someone who will be like him." I said, "Me." But he needed another reference, not me, so I named off a couple of slightly anal people we know. He accepted the answer but I know it is bothering him. Hell, it bothers me but it is what it is and if he can't deal with it than he shouldn't have married someone who didn't have this type of thing run in her family (good luck!) It is just hard as a parent-we blame ourselves for everything. I have no doubts Ben will get through this and live a normal happy life-but....I worry...for his future struggles, like I had....I just want his life to be easier than mine was. Isn't that what all parents want for their children?

2006-02-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry for these pictures being put in here so half hazardly but I tried JJ's way of putting in pics to no avail! These are pics from out trip. The lovely outhouse on the trail I had to relieve myself in! A picture of me and the girls at dinner Sat night. And me and John being goofy! Hopefully, I will learn over the weekend of how to put pictures in a better way!! I am off to clean!

Off For The Weekend...

2006-02-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am off to the desolate wilds of Maine tomorrow so I won't be posting. We are going snowmobiling in Jackman and will probably hit Cananda as well. I hope everyone has a great weekend and I will be back Sunday night!!!

Quick

2006-02-07T12:57:00.001-08:00

Just picked up the kids and took them for a walk out in the cold! Brrr! But it felt good! This lack of snow it taking a toll on everyone-making us feel like Spring should be coming but it isn't-not even close! So NO snow to play with just cold and frozen brown ground! Bleck!!!
Tonight I am off to clean the office. I thought about doing it in the early AM only if John could be available in the morning, but ofcourse he cannot. So off I go tonight! Yea! Not in the mood!
Tonight is American Idol in Boston and I can't wait to see it! I really love that darn show!
So I guess we will be going away for the weekend, just John and I on our annual Snowmobile Trip to Jackman Maine. We weren't sure if we could make it due to lack of snow but I guess it is fairly okay up North. Honestly, I kind of hoped we'd stay home-I'm just not in the mood for some reason. I am sure once I am there I will be fine but I will take pictures to post!! Night!

Time Off

2006-02-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

Time To Myself~ I have had some time to myself today in between going to Jack's school for a little play they did. I have my counseling appointment with Eileen at 1:15. So I have played around a little bit with my journal. I downloaded firefox, though not sure exactly what I will do with it. But I do like the idea of being online and no one knowing. So when I am in one of those moods I will use firefox instead of my trusty ole AOL. Why can't I enter and make a space? Is anyone else having this problem? Irritating... I am feeling really good the last few days. It seems like things are coming together with Ben and his anxiety. He has had a stretch of really good days and I am so proud of him! I don't know exactly what has changed. I did start reading a book called "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety" and have briefly talked to Ben about how excited I am that I think I have finally found some answers that may help him and me to get through this. He also started a low dose of medication for his anxiety. Last week we met with a doctor that finally took us seriously as to how bad and unmanagable his life has become. I could have kissed her when she agreed medication might be the right answer at this point. I don't want to sound like I think by giving him medicine it will cure him, but I think it will help to make the counseling part more effective. And so does the doctor. I am anxiuos to see what Eileen has to say. NO MONEY~ It seems as though lately I am poor. Now I am not going to bitch and moan here but I have lost some of the time that a few kids come to the house afterschool therefor a decrease in the amount of money I receive each week. John is stilling thinking what I make for cleaning will go for savings and fun stuff but it just can't anymore-I need more of it just to pay for the groceries and put gas in my car. (excuse me very large gas guzzling SUV) So last night their was tension. I absolutely dispise talking to him about money. He and I are just NEVER going to be on the same page-EVER! But what gets me is that I'm not saying I am going to blow my money on stupid shit-it is for FOOD for the family! Ugh-sometimes that man-I tell you! So I am trying not to stress too much because in the past if I just have a little faith it usually all works out. But part of me is wondering what I can do to earn more money right now without being pulled out of the home at night to waitress or having to pick up more dreaded housecleaning. I need to be available for the kids first and foremost. But John is already riding me about what I will do when they don't need me like they do afterschool. I don't know damnit! I certainly know I will still want to be available for the kids! I am not a good career person! I don't want to go to an office everyday and deal with that bullshit. This is my career. I want my freedom like I sort of have now (being a full-time Mom/part-time caregiver/maid is not totally freedom) And I know for a fact if I were to work full-time I would still have to take care of this house full-time! John would not be kicking in 50/50. So lots to think about....anyway I need to get ready to go. Might be Back Later.

2006-02-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

At The Beauty Parlor
I couldn't resist today when I saw Jack and Madison playing this in my living room. Maddy is the type, though younger, can be quite the boss. And Jack, well he just loves having his hair combed and brushed. It feels good. I have Maddy do me once a week! (though it painful at times) Look how long his hair is!!! I have got to get them real haircuts!!

New Links on Sidebar

Have you noticed I have links in my sidebar? Woo-Wee! Thank you to Astaryth for that! She gave me the info a while ago and I just haven't had the time to mess around with it. So today I did, and voila-the computer illiterate fool did it with out too much swearing! I haven't quite personalized the list yet so don't feel bad if you are not on it. You will be, I just need more time! I have to say that JJ is the nicest person I have met on the internet. She knows her stuff let me tell you! She could get irritated and not want to help but NO, not her, she nicely replies with pages of help in nicely ordered steps of how to do things! She truly is wonderful and what an amazing life she has led! Thank you JJ!!!

Pretty Journals

I received this pretty angels journal from Tammy on my birthday in November and haven't done a thing with it since. I have a fairly new journal I write in occasionally so I didn't want to start a new one yet. I want to do something special with it. I thought about handing it off to friends and having them write some bit of life wisdom in it and pass it along but then thought, well how can each person get a copy?

Oh I am excited! I just had a thought! A wonderful idea for someone's upcoming birthday! I don't dare say too much yet in case she happens to read this (unlikely but...) I can't say... Okay so I have one great idea for the pink journal but now I need some help for the angel journal. So I am asking all of you to give me some of your ideas. What could I do with it? Something special and meaningful? No idea is too crazy!

Well, I must go search some knitting sites. I have to connect some yarn to finish a scarf and have no idea how to do that! My Mom-in-law who usually helps me is away for a few days for her birthday so it is just me and this puter now!

Night everyone-thanks for reading!

Please note: I am still figuring out how to get my pictures where I want them! Had a little trouble with that one!!!
Obviousy!

Lurkers and the Lot

2006-02-05T17:06:00.000-08:00

I discovered tonight that I like people to comment on my journal-however if they are people I know, friends or family, and they read but do not comment, I do not like it so much. I feel like I am being spyed on and violated. If only you would just comment and let me know you are reading... that is all I ask.
So here I am-again-throwing my whole self into Blogspot. I have not become totally savy with this new space, (haven't actually had the time) but I do want to. So I have changed the name of my journal and will send you all an e-mail of where to find me. I am hoping to really turn this new space into something really worth reading:) I have so much I want to say! (especially when I know I don't have to edit and can write just for me!!!)
Please feel free to give me any helpful hints to get this thing really rolling!!!

Gratitude and Envy

2006-02-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about envy, this morning in the shower. I don't know why at the moment I was about to shave my leg that I thought of this, but I did. I have to say that I am a recovering "Green Monster" addict. I remember as a child/adolescent/teenager/young adult being so very envious of everyone. I was envious if they had a two parent family to having a selection of "swatches" (which I never had BTW. Too poor) Anyway, as I got older and even when I was first married I envied other people and what they had. It always seemed like I/we had less. And it mattered to me...unfortunately a lot. I don't know when it happened but the realization came over me today...in the shower...I don't envy anymore. It just went away...sometime, somehow. It is now replaced with gratefulness. It is true, now I just feel grateful for what I do have. I think I have A LOT! Maybe I feel that way because I came from so little, or because somewhere in my wiring, I just "got it". I don't really know the answer. I do know that when I was trying not to (forcing myself) feel envy, I still did. I wanted gratitude, yearned for this foreign feeling Oprah talked so highly of. But I didn't have it. One day, just one day, their it was~GRATITUDE~ And I felt good. Even at the hardest of times or these struggles with Ben, I still feel grateful. How can that be yo might wonder? Well, I am not sure really, I just think once to can stop letting the Green Monster be part of your spirit, you savor what you have;whether it be a little or a lot-you just feel at peace with who you are and what you have~and then my friend you have ~GRATITUDE~ I hope many of you feel this way too now or someday. Night.

Weekend Fun!

2006-01-29T12:56:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been busy so I haven't been Here like I had planned. But I will give you a view into our weekend!
Last night some friends of ours had a Christmas Tree burning party on the lake in Poland. (you know Poland Spring water) (Also an old furniture burning party too but some of ya environmentalists might not like to hear that.) It also could be one of those, "You know you're a red neck when...." kind of deals too I guess.
We had another commitment prior to hearing of this fun party where they bring the grills out onto the iceand tables and cook and cook so much food! We could only stop by on our way to the band performance. Here are a couple of pictures...

From here we went to a High school where Tammy's husband's band Strict 9 was playing a benefit. This would be the only time the kids could enjoy this because normally they play out at bars. The kids were pumped needless to say! They are both so into music these days! Here are a few pictures of that...

Marc is in the green shirt. Now Tammy won't like this I know, but the band was really good! I thought they did excellent! I thought the singer sounded better on some songs than others but overall they were good. Marc was phenomenal! He always says, "I don't consider myself a muscian, but a performer." I would have to say after seeing him, he is right! But what a great performer he is!! (I amsending this entry to Marc, so sorry Tammy if his head gets big!) The kids got to run around and play. Riley did a little performance of his own I am sure Tammy will tell you all about!
So today I cleaned my upstairs and did the never ending laundry. I tried to use the computer to do this entry earlier but got so much crap from the peanut gallery I had to stop and we all went for a 4 wheeler ride through what should be the snowmobile trails at this time of year! (But are not due to lack of snow!)
Now I am making a chocolate peanut butter cake and mashed potatoes, with asparagus on the grill and lemon pepper chicken. We are taking all this stuff up to my brother-in-laws house for a get together.
I will hopefully be able to spend some time updating my sidebars here tomorrow! No one will be home to bug me!
Have a good night all!

Just a look into my day...

2006-01-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am flip flopping back and forth with my journals. One day I am really into blogspot and them "My Feeds" stops working properly so I don't like it here anymore. But today they are okay and here I am!
We had snow today. I think it is done now but it was a weird storm. Not too much snow. But we really need more if we are ever to go snowmobiling anywhere. Today we tied the snow tube on the back and the kids drove each other around. I had a blast driving Ben and Brayden around. Let's just say I accomplished what I wanted and they fell off the tube! (evil laugh) Now, the kids are watching Son of the Mask. I saw it at the movies so I am not so much into it.
I worked out this morning. I did my cardio on the Elyptical machine and then I did a Pilates class with a couple of girlfriends. It was fun! (Well, fun isn't the word but it felt good) Tonight I am supposed to go clean the office. Last week Ben had a fit about this but so far so good. I feel like we may be turning a corner finally. Well, one day at a time-don't want to count my chickens before the hatch right?
Well, I think I will get a little knitting in before I have to get supper ready and go!
Thanks for the few new readers I have had lately! Sorry this is so boring but I promise I will do better!! (I am waiting for a book to come in and then I will have a great entry!!)

Friday Night

2006-01-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt like writing in the last few days and honestly I am forcing myself now. I just want to update ya all.
It has been a hard week. We had a no school day on Wed-because of rain! Which was totally stupid! Their was supposed to be ice but that never happened. We went to go see Hoodwinked. I actually dozed a little bit. Not that great of a movie, in my opinion.
Thursday was HELL. Ben gave me the biggest fight to go to school. Having a day off in the middle of the week like that, not to mention the Monday holida is the worse thing for him, He cried so hard he threw up. Then to make things worse he had a sub. I ended up walking out of is school in tears. It felt really, really, shitty. I immediately called the counselor we have been working with. I am ready to involve his doctor and perhaps medication. I feel like a child shouldn't have so much stress and anxiety about leaving his mother. So next week the counselor and his doc will talk.
I am feeling better about all of this today-it was a fairly good day. But I tell you yesterday I was at breaking point and wondered how I would be able to get through this. Being a Mother is SOOOOO hard at times! Well, it is in my situation. Sigh...
So tomorrow night we are going out. I think Ben needs to have more separation from me. (ya think?) I enjoy being home though and doing family things so to go out is hard sometimes. I mean I do enjoy it but during winter I am really a home body. So tomorrow after the gym I am going to go to Portland to buy an outfit to get myself psyched up. It will be fun.
Well, I am going to look for some Parent of children with anxiety support groups. If anyone has some input of where I might find one-let me know!!
Night all!

I'm Tired Today

2006-01-17T06:31:00.000-08:00

I really hate to feel sick. It screws up my whole day! But yesterday and today it started coming on. The headache, the neck the nose, the eyes. Bleck! And I am soooo tired! Luckily I really don't have to do anything until Ben's appointment at 2:00 and then I will have a houseful until 5:00.

Did I mention I am knitting? Yes, I learned a few years ago and have decided to make a scarf. (never finished the last one) It is going well, Ben has also started a scarf (BLAZE orange for hunting! Kinda still manly right?)

I am listening to Alicia Keys Live. I am not sure is I like it though. I mean she is a great artist and performer-so talented-but I don't know if she is for me. Glad I got it at the library!

You know, I am very grateful that I have a motherly instinct. Sometimes it might be over the top (mothering everyone and anything) but it comes naturally to me. It comes easily. I speak of this because since watching my two nieces for Before and Afterschool I have witnessed (unfortunately) how some women (and men) can struggle with this. My nieces, Kelsey 10 and Madison 5 are great kids! Their parents divorced 4 or so years ago. Kelsey has struggled and has had a hard time. I could go on and on with what she has to witness between her parents who can't seem to get it together in their personal lives or act as an undivided unit instead of constantly playing each other against the other. I have to SEE THAT go one daily! But I keep my mouth shut about my opinions because neither one can take constructive criticism, especially from me!

So anyway, I got off track. I am the kind of Mom who always makes sure my kids are bathed and hair (somewhat, I have to chase Jack) combed. They always have mittens and hats or library book to return to school. I pack their lunch each morning and send them with show and tell if need be. I make their appointments for teeth cleaning and check-ups. I pick them up on time at school and even volunteer every now and again. If I tell my kids we will go to the mall for that "thing" they may need, I take them. I don't break my promises. I always try to follow through.

So now we have on the other spectrum, these two kids who are tossed back and forth between two homes. They rarely have their mittens or hats or boots. Kelsey is put in the position to "mother" her younger sister and it isn't right and it is not her responsibility! This morning I made Madison take a bath because she literally stunk! I felt embarrassed to send her to school like that.
Now I am not going to entirely place blame on the parents. I mean I kind of do but I really think they are doing the best that they can. It isn't good enough, but it is their best. You know the saying, "when you know better, you do better." I just wish they would do better sooner than later because these girls are going to have some serious issues.

It is funny, I had a memory come up this morning. I use to go to my friend Heather's every day before school from like 4th to 6th grade. I loved Heather's Mom Denny. She was always up in the morning and had made breakfast ready for Heather. They cranberry juice from the can, that you mix up. her Mom would french braid my hair almost every day! We never had that at my house and my Mom wasn't usually up when I was getting ready for school. They had healthy food in their house and I envied that. Ya, I use to ask my Mom to buy bran flakes instead of coco pebbles!
So I was thinking, and hoping, that maybe my influence on these girls will make a difference on how they grow up and the choices they make and how they parent their children. They are getting to see how a 2 parent family works and they are a big part of it when they are here. They also get to see what true "mothering" is.

Who would have thought that spending all my time at my friend Heather's house would have shaped me so much into being the kind of parent I am. (oh by the way, Heather loved coming to my house where we had junk food!) I was very lucky in that I had a lot of friends who had parents like Heather's. I knew at a very young age that though my Mother loved me and my sister, we were different than them.

Part of Ben's counseling is for me to also go to counseling every other week to help me sort through why I have tried so hard to not be like my Mother. I am not looking forward to it because it is difficult. And I am scared. I love my Mother and respect her as a women and a mother. She did her best too, and under our circumstances, she did a damn good job! I just don't want to disrespect her memory and the peace I have made with her since she died. It is just going to be tough.
So one question I have is-why is Ben so insecure about things and with me when I have done so much to help him BE SECURE! I have the routines and the rules down but yet here we are; my kid has separation anxiety. It is like some cruel joke being played on me.

Well, I actually feel a little better now-not going to the gym better-but better.

Oh ya, I finally finished James Frey's book "My Friend Leonard" It was good but I think I still like the first one best, embellished truths and all!

2006-01-14T18:23:00.000-08:00

I really love it when I watch a movie tht leaves me with a good happy feeling.
Tonight we watched "A lot Like Love" with Amanda Peet and Ashton Kutcher. Now I certainly didn't expect it to be Academy Award winning material, which is fine, but it was entertaining and made me really appreciate my husband.
I know I can complain about him a little here and there but you know what? We are at times the silly and goofy characters that Emily and Oliver were in that movie. Today for instance it was all a big game for me to get him to agree to take us to lunch while we waited for Ben's glasses. Oh you don't even want to know what I have to do later!! But we goof and kid and do stupid things all the time! He is my best friend. It is pretty eye opening for me to say that and really and truly appreciate that. HE IS MY BEST FRIEND. I am a pretty lucky women right about now.
Wait about 10 minutes and he'll be a lucky man!!! (wink)
Night everyone!

2006-01-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

It is Saturday night and though I was invited to go out with a friend for a girls night I am staying in with my family. I have no desire to go out tonight and get all ready. I am happy to stay home in my pj's and watch a movie.

Today we had to go and get Ben some glasses. Yup-he needs glasses! Now it is no surprise to me because I had to have glasses when I was 10 and then every year my eyes got worse until I was 25! (Thank Goodness for lasik eye surgery!) But I am surprised that he needs to see close up! I never had that problem. He got two pairs-2 for one deal. (Ya, believe me, they stuck it to us for the one pair! We paid!)
So here is my cutie! His only request was that he get glasses that look like Bob Burnqist (he a famous skateboarding dude if you didn't know)

Isn't he Handsome!

Wednesdays Never End

2006-01-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

Today was a busy day! Phew! Now my eyes are itching and driving me nuts so I don't know how much I will write!
MY DAY: (like you care)
Cleaning at the office
Gym
Shower (quick)
Pick up Gang
Lunch
Skating
Home again, snack for kids
Helped niece making some CD's
Dinner
Take Jack to basketball banquet
Home again,PJ's,snacks
Bed
Me-here-now.

So my laundry is piled high and the floors could use a swiffering but it can wait till tomorrow!

Let me just say, And Tammy and I do not agree on this and that is okay, I am really annoyed by the James Frey controversy. He is the author of a Million Little Pieces which I read and loved and highly recommended. Reports say he "embellished" the truth about his criminal record. Who the F cares? I know I don't. I'm glad he doesn't have such a record and he is not such a bad guy. He gave the average person very valuable insight into the life of a drug addict. And I will still highly recommend the book and VALUE the book for my whole life. IT meant something to ME! And I have gratitude to Mr. Frey for writing such a memoir!
So that is all I have to say about that...
Night.

I Think Times-they Are A Changing

2006-01-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

It is all good ya know. The title up there just came to me. I think I am feeling better with my days events. I kind of talked to John a little bit, I felt a little better. This is my life, I have been through far worse and others have gone or go through even worse than my little drama. I love my life and who I am and what it has taken to get me here. All in all I am grateful for ever heartache or pain I have had to endure. I believe these trials Here, will only pave the way for There, if you know what I mean. I'll get through and will come out even stronger than before.

On another note. I have been feeling like I need to "Have The Talk" with Ben about the birds and the bees etc, etc. I have thought about this, researched this, asked friends about this...and have decided to broach the subject.
So today at Pat's Pizza I did. I first asked what he knew about Where babies come from. Aside from the look like I had three heads, I gather he knows nothing. Well, that is not entirely true-if he knew nothing he wouldn't have acted so uncomfortable about the subject am I correct? So I said, well their are lots of books out their and I can get you one if you want, if you are more comfortable with that? Yea! He says, DO That! (oh the relief in his face!) I mean I don't want to pawn my job as a parent off to a book, but I do remember hating MY Mom trying to talk to me about such things! Ugh, it was awful! So I am off to purchase "The Flight Of The Stork". I also would appreciate any other advice or recommendations! He is nine! And let's remember I have a six year old brother in the house too, who I am sure will get the "information" secondhand! LOL
Peace all and God Bless!

Monday Monday

2006-01-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

It is Monday and almost time to pick up the kids. My day of events changed dramatically from what I had planned when Ben said he didn't feel good at 6:30 this morning. Part of me felt like he was "playing me" but the Mother in me felt like I ought to keep him home and have him checked out because he has had a cough for 2 plus months! I have called "them" several times and get the old "coughs can lasts up to 6 weeks" shpeil. (is that a word?) So today I gave them no choice, "He will be seen today."
So they got him in and ofcourse all is clear la la la-but they are putting him on Singulair for asthma related issues. Now, maybe I am in denial, but I think that is bullshit but I'll try it out to see if it works. He also goes for a breathing test on the 23rd and tommorrow an OT eval. Hell, is there anything else we can add to his growing list of problems?
I am trying to make light of all this because I'm actually feeling like I am gonna lose it. Since yesterday I've had heart palpitations which I tend to get when I am stressed. I bawled my eyes out last night watching freakin' country music videos and had a hard time falling asleep thinking about my kids growing up.
Then today I have an appointment with Ben's counselor (which I dreaded) and you know what she wants me to do? She thinks that maybe we should alternate weeks between me and him. Yup. Now I have been to a counselor many times in my life and read all kinds of self-help book etc, etc. I studied psychology and child psychology when I was in college. I wanted to BE a counselor! I should also say I love his counselor-she is great! But honestly, I just feel like shit about this whole deal. I feel like although unintentially and without my realization Ben's problems with anxiety are completely my fault. They are. I feel like because of my messed up childhood he now has gotten the brunt of it and is forced to deal with this crap. As a mother, a mother who devotes most all of her EVERYTHING to Mothering-it feels really shitty.
I have so much going on in my life right now and have spent SO MUCH of the greater part of my life dealing with the issues of my past that I just don't know if I am up to more "work." I am just tired. I am just so tired of being screwed up. I thought that part of my life was over.
But I am sure, because it is for my child, I will rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done even if it pulls my deepest pain back to the surface once again.

Now, I am certainly not looking for sympathy comments and all that jazz-don't need them...really. I just need to get all this off my chest. And hopefully these heart palpitations will go away!

I Was Tagged

2006-01-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

I Was Tagged!
I have been tagged! lol So here's the rules
These are the rules of the game: You must write a journal entry listing the 5 things that drive you CRAZY ~ as well as the rules of the game... Then, you select five people to tag and link their names/blogs in your entry... Go to their journals and leave a comment informing them they have been tagged by you and to read your journal to see in what way they have been nailed. Those five then MUST write an entry listing What drives them crazy and tag an additional five people...
1. People who say they will call you back, "Oh, I'll give you a call...." and DON'T!
2. Wet towels left on the floor (this happens every day in my house!)
3. People who are bullshitters-you just know they are completely FULL of shit!
4. The toilet seat being peed on by my "kids" during the night (I know my husband is including in this) and then I sit on it in the morning to pee! UGH!
5. My husband taking 1/2 hour to take a shit, and then getting up from the toilet saying, "Oh I guess I didn't have to go!" By this time if we were going somewhere, we are now late!!
Okay, I am now tagging....
Tschamberland
blissfull001
astaryth
swibirun
infrnz247

Women-And Their Power

2006-01-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

I went out the other night with my friend Elisabeth. I honestly could have stayed home and kept on knitting. (topic for another entry) But she was meeting some of her co-workers and boss's for drinks and I decided I should go-for her and for me.
So I put the kids to bed and added a few curls to my bed head(from lying down with the kids) and off we went. We were at a bar alone for a little while and in our conversation we touched on the notion of women and the power they can hold. In her and I's experience, we have noticed that because we are somewhat attractive and confindent in ourselves (without being overly so) we maintain a certain "power." Now I am not talking about being seductive or shrutting your stuff for the hope of advancement in a job or a relationship. I hope I don't come across that way, but I just mean that men can sense it when a women is confident.

Which leads me to my reading material for my morning workout. "O" magazine (love Oprah) and Dr. Phil's monthly column. The title of the article is: What Do Those Women Have That You Don't? Now, I love Dr Phil too, as you may have guessed. I think you either love him or hate him. I think a lot of men hate him. Anyway, let me quote a part of the article;
"You know those women who come into a room and just own it? They may not be the most beautiful, they're probably not the ones flashing the most skin, yet they always seem to be getting the attention. Whether they're demure, the life of the party, or something in between, what they have is the confindence that comes from having figured out the powerful combination of traits- physical attributes, personality characteristics, and behaviors- that set them apart from all the other women in their world. You could say they've defined their product, they're sold on it themselves, and so they can sell it to the world.
How can you get this kind confidence? It starts with feeling positive about what I call your personal truth-what you say to yourself when no one else is looking."

This little part of the longer article speaks to me in a way I hope I can successfully portray to you.
I have always been an "attractive" girl. Now I would say I am an attractive woman. One might think what a blessing to be good looking, well it is yes but it also has downsides. People might assume I am not smart because I am pretty. (which is the truth when it comes to math!) I have to work harder to become friends with the less than pretty people of the world because they feel inferior to me. I was the girl in high school who never got invited into sororities because the upper classmen girls all hated me. Why you ask? Because I was pretty and got attention from their male classmates. (Man, that hurt and I could still use therapy from the damage that caused my self-esteem.)
I may have been a pretty girl and a attractive young women but I certainly did not "own a room" in my early twenties! Although I looked good and on the outside seemed to have a lot going for me, I was a fragile little mess with no self-confidence or self-esteem. Years of a pretty tough life had gotten the better of my self-esteem. Gradually, through counseling and making better choices for myself, attending Al-anon, going to church, and becoming a Mom I found that inner confindence that in my thirties has actually made me a more "attractive" woman in the eyes of men and women. I have the confidence to walk into a room where I don't know many people and feel comfortable enough about myself to carry on conversations with utter strangers. I just feel more comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I could be the kind of person to "own a room." I can feel myself more at ease in the presence of people I don't know so well. I just am finally okay with ME!
I have had people compliment me more in the last five years than I ever did when I was younger. And Lord knows after two kids and birthdays that just keep coming my body ain't what she use to be! But I think I do LOOK better! And it IS that inner confidence and strength that is inside of me that reflects outward.
I wish more women would realize this simple fact. You don't have to be gorgeous, you just need to love yourself and have confidence and you will be the most beautiful women of all! I think too many women obsess over the outward appearance, and I do too, but even though I may be heavier now than I ever have been (minus pregnancies) I still know I am beautiful inside and out!

Loving music

2006-01-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

I am loving music lately more than even my normal love of music! Thanks to the MP3 player.
Amos Lee-great artist-my kind of music. Soul and folk intertwined to make me feel calm and at ease. Check him out!
Today was a great day! (Love that when I can feel that way!) Went to the gym and had a great workout. I went and did a few returns. I made spaghetti and meatballs and chocolate cake for dinner. I folded laundry and PUT IT AWAY again! Oh by the way, the kids were pissed the next morning when they went to get dressed. Jack said, "MOM, WE DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! THEY'RE GONE!" Though I was slightly hungover from my New Years celebration (more tired than drank too much) I was able to laugh because I know my kids so well! They are creatures of habit and routines and when things are slightly different I pay the price. But I created these little monsters now didn't I?
Tomorrow I won't make it to the gym due to having to work. My house I clean is in need of my TLC after a week of company-oh how I can't wait for that! The only good part is that it gives me the chance to listen to more music!
Night all! I am going to make hubby give me a full body massage! I am so sore from my fall and the gym!!

2006-01-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

Stacy's Favorite Things
I may not have a fan base quite like Oprah but I do have a couple of favorite things that I got for Christmas I would like to share!

This litte baby!! My MP3 player!! Oh how I love thee!! I can't believe I ever live without it! I feel so technologically apt now!! I figured it out with ease! I use it when I go cleaning, when I exercise, when I don't want to hear the children killing each other!! I could have gotten the Ipod Nano but decided this would be fine for me and my uses! Now however since I have filled the thing up with over 300 songs I do wish it had more sapce:( Next one I guess:)
And we have THIS!!!! My swiffer vac!!! This is the best thing ever I tell you!! No more broom and dust pan! Just unplug it off the charger and go! I didn't even vacum today! I just used this baby! It is truly terrific and I highly recommend it if you have wood or tile floors!
So there they are-My two favorite Christmas gifts! Thank you John and my Mom-in-law! (should I take that as a hint from her?)
Today is New Year's Eve Day and I am HAPPY!!! Yea!! This is so great because I haven't been very happy lately-getting through the holidays and not getting time for myself to exercise, dealing with Ben's issues and to just "BE". I have had kids here endlessly and feel like all I have done is take care of people. Yesterday at 1:00 the last of the kids left and I sent my kids down the street to Marc (Tammy's Marc) and I went to the gym! Though I took it easy because I have struggled for 3 weeks with a horrible backache and then on Thursday a neck ache (chiropractors rock!) it felt great!!! I felt lifted up and eager to get back on track with a normal routine in my life. Then today I got up early and went to the gym again and did a few errands. The kids went for a walk in the woods with Molly and John. We had lunch and I cleaned up a bit and actually got all the laundry put away in draws instead of just sitting on the table (for laundry) in my office! The kids will complain and not know where to find their clothes but I am happy!
Last night we took the kids to a restaurant here in town called Espos Trattoria. It was Ben's 9th birthday! We had a great dinner and good time! They sang Happy Birthday to him and he ate almost all of the delicious chocolate cake himself!! We have enough food left over to last us the weekend I swear! Huge portions!!
I got the idea to make a drink for tonight there. We are going to my brother-in-laws for a party. The drink is called a "French Kiss" It is made with Grey Goose Vodka, Chambord (rasberry liquer) and pinapple juice. I am going to serve it chilled in a martini glass garnished with pinapple and oranges. Sounds yummy hugh? I can't wait to try it!! My friend Elisabeth and I are going to drink these! I have a feeling tomorrow may be a waste of a day! I will take plenty of pictures though! This is going to be one hell of a party!!!
I am anxious and optomistic for the the new year! I haven't really made any resolutions except to get to the gym more and not worry so much about what others think of me, maybe not indulge so much is useless things, and be a better parent, write in my journal more... Ya I guess I have made some resolutions.
Have a Happy New Year Everyone!! I hope I can get back all my readers!!! I love you guys!!

2006-01-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

New Years Eve 06! Me and Elisabeth!!

New Look

2006-01-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am trying out a new look for this blog. I hope it motivates me to learn more about it so I can post here more!!

Update

2006-01-02T05:29:00.000-08:00

Well, went to dinner at Mom-in-laws with the whole family. I tried to ignore him-but didn't last long. That isn't me. So I just acted like nothing had happened and played the game like we always do. I ended up having a really fun night because we played "Beat The Parents" with all the kids and had many laughs!
Aside from a sore body today, I feel pretty good:) I got a great nights sleep last night and that always is great!
I plan to do some house cleaning on my journals later today if my family allows. Right now I am going to the gym and do a few errands.
Toot-ta-loo!

2006-01-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year.
This year I swore I wouldn't let those little things I have no control over get to me. Ten minutes into 2006 it started and I let it get to me.

As you know, if you are a reader of mine, I don't post here as much as my aol journal. This blogspot is my private place where I don't worry so much about certain people reading my words. I need this space today more than ever.

I am sad to say that my heart is heavy today. I feel a heaviness looming in my soul that I cannot shake. I tried to and that attempt failed. John took the kids to see a movie-a 3 hour and 15 min movie. (This makes me a little bit happy ) So I decided what I need to do is go for a walk with Molly and my MP3 player and feel the crisp air in my lungs to make me feel alive and glad to be blessed with this life of mine. Thanks to my over eager dog I wasn't 30 seconds into my walk when I got pulled so hard I slipped on the ice at the end of my driveway and landed flat on my back and tweaked my left wrist. Thank you Molly. And ofcourse I am covered in snow all over my back and butt so anyone seeing me on my walk will inevitably know I took a digger or have been trying to make snow angels in 1/4 inch of new snow! Stupid dog! Stupid me for forgetting about the ice! Okay, now stop laughing and lets get back to my misery!

Last night's party was good. Their were a lot of people and plenty of different faces to socialize with and my faithful friend Elisabeth by my side. It is such a long story so I will try to paraphrase so you get the jist. John's ex girlfriend from before me (13 years ago) was there with her boyfriend. This is NOT a problem, I was totally comfortable after many years of not being so comfortable around her. It was fine. However, she is the best friend of K, who is my brother-in-law's girlfriend. Some of you may know a little of the history with he and I and John and he.....anyway, what happened that hurt my heart so much was that he (brother-in-law ) gave her a hug at one point (John's ex) and said, "I wish you were my sister-in-law." Ouch! It is pitiful that one person can hate me so much just because he is insecure with himself and jealous of John. He made another few comments through the night cutting John down in front of new people. It was just so totally unapproriate and disrespectful. What hurts me the most is that with all I do for HIS kids he can say such a thing! I am more of a mother figure to them than their own mother! I am one constant in their life that they can depend on. Lord knows they can't depend on her and even him at times!!
The worst part of all is that I can't say anything to him because he is the type of person who is "never wrong". You can't talk to him like a normal person-he gets so defensive and starts bringing things up from 10 years ago! I wish I could just erase him from my life for good! He is poison to me and to John! But we are family damnit!
I am mad at myself more than anything to allow his unkind words affect me and hurt my heart. I told myself I wouldn't let that happen anymore! I just wish "this lesson" I am supposed to learn from all this would be over because I am really tired of trying to fugure it out. I am just soooo tired. He will never change. I want to be the one who can change and not let his criticism of me get me down but it does time after time. I am going to go to bed every night and pray to God to release me of the power his hatefulness has over me. Maybe then and only then I can finally let it go and not be affected by his poison. Pray for me. I hope maybe my time alone with help lift my heavy heart.
Well, I am going to take a nice hot bath and read my book.

Sleepovers and sleeping children

2005-12-10T18:46:00.000-08:00

This week has been a whirl wind and has me wishing I really would have planned my pregnancy better with Ben!! December 30th is a crappy time of year for a birthday which has led us to celebrating it early in December so the weather is less chancey and people aren't completely sick of gatherings!
So today was the day and Ben had his 9th birthday party!
Yesterday we had a small storm which left us with about 5 or so iches of snow. So today for the party we took the kids sledding to a nearby hill and then back to our house for cake and then everyone went in the hot tub. At 5:00 most of the kids left except three and they still remain for a sleepover.
My kids, being the EARLY risers that they are (Ben was awake at 5:00 am today) are fast alseep and the three for the sleepover are now playing PS2. We just watched Napaleon Dynomite with them. One of the kids brought it to watch. I am not quite sure I get it, not sure what I am supposed to get, but it was silly and made me laugh a couple of times. The guy looked just like my brother-in-law when he was a pre-teen. Really hilariously goofy. (he did turnout okay now though)
So now I sit here trying to keep myself awake while the kids play. I am not a late night person myself either and this week I have been fighting something which has knocked the wind right out of my sails! I can't wait for tomorrow-a day of rest-and if I can help it-a day without too many demands from children!
I am still in need of Christmas shopping-finishing up stuff. I have resigned to not being able to be faithful to the gym until after December when things get back to normal. I feel like a fat lug, but I am okay with it.
I read "Being Perfect" by Anna Quindelon (probably butchered the name) and I recommend it to any woman. It took me like 20 minutes but what a wealth of information and thoughts. The wisdom in that small book will forever stay with me. If you need an idea for someone you love who struggles with being the perfect Mother or wife or friend-BUY it for them! It will be a gift that gives forever!!
I am going to catch up on journals now. Have a good night!

2005-12-06T15:24:00.000-08:00

Still here everyone-been soooo busy and yesterday and today under the weather-one dau soon I hope I can get back to journaling the way I use to. I miss it. Stay tuned and keep checking in!!!

Public Service Announcement

2005-12-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

My week has been eventful and busy! My neighbors brought Molly a ham bone Tuesday nightwhich we gave her not knowing it was bad and Friday I spent my morning at the vet with a dog who had been puking since Wednesday! Apparently dogs don't handle any pork products well, (some better than others) she got Pancreatitus and was a sick pooch. $150.00 later she is on the mend and on the BRAT diet for dogs till tomorrow!
So don't feed your dogs PORK PRODUCTS!!!!!
Hey be sure to wish Tammy over at Live Life Or Miss Out a Happy Birthday!!! Today is her birthday!!!!!

Same Sweet Girls

2005-11-30T17:25:00.000-08:00

My eyes are blurry and my nose stuffy from finishing my book by Cassandra King. It is called Same Sweet Girls and I reccomend it to anyone who values and treasures friendships as I do and likes a good cry now and then. It tells a story about 6 women who meet in college and continue a friendship throughout their life. It was really, really good.
There was one part in it that gave me an Ah-Ha moment. If I were to write the whole paragraph out of context it would mean nothing to you, but basically it talked of this one character that was very selfish and self absorbed. The other character kind of had a realization that the "more" to this person she had always tried to figure out really wasn't there to figure out at all. She just really was self-absorbed. The End.
Maybe that is exactly what I am making myself crazy with. Thinking these glimpes of the nice, kind person I see in K, are just glimpes, nothing more;because the more really isn't there at all. I wish I could be more prophetic here but I haven't the big words tonight!
Well, read the book-it was one to remember!!
http://www.cassandrakingconroy.com/

Dream Of My Mother

2005-11-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

I have decided after reading Gabreael's entry on Dreams I would write about a few Dreams I had after my Mothers death in 99.
I had always held comfort in knowing and believing in an afterlife. Thinking back, it was probably my Mom who gave me that belief as a child. So when my Mom suddenly and unexpectedly died in June of 99 I had a sense of peace knowing I would hear from her.
But as time went on and months went by of me not hearing from her or dreaming of her I then began to get angry and questioned my beliefs! Why wasn't she leaving me clues that she is okay and is at peace?! I was frustrated and pissed at her! One for dying and two for not letting me know she was okay!
Then it happened. But not in a way I had hoped for, quite the opposite actually. I was sleeping-dreaming-and the phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello", I say. "It's me Mum." I am so happy, I am beside myself!!! "oh my God, I have been waiting so long!!! How are you, how are you? Are you okay?" I scream into the phone! Then she says, "It's not what you think." "What, what do you mean?" I ask. "When I died, there was blood." I try and try then to keep getting information from her but it is like she is fading and I can't hear her. I try to say I love you, I love you! But it was like my voice didn't work anymore. Then it was over.
I woke feeling really weird and afraid. The circumstances around my Mother's death were very cut and dry as far as their being no reason to beleive there was foul play. She had been sick for a little while, not feeling good and had been seeing different doctors. At that point no one had any answers. She got up to go to the bathroom during the night and died. That's it. It took months to get the inconclusive autopsy back that still did not show WHY she died. Only years later did I see a medium who gave me a little bit of closure.
This dream freaked me out ofcourse and I started to ask questions about the way she was found. I chose not to go in and see her body in the bathroom because I didn't want to remember her that way. My grandmother found her and my sister and neice went in to say goodbye to her. I stayed out and could only see her legs in the bathroom and that was enough.
From what I found out, there was no blood anywhere or foul play. Her spirit for this world just quit and she died.
A few weeks later I got another phone call in a dream and it was her again. This time she sounded better and told me she was with someone, (can't remember now who) but she still didn't sound overly joyous or at peace. I think at that time I was able to say "I love you!" and how much I appreciated all she did for me. For a long while she was in my dreams a lot. We did a lot of ordinary stuff, so I wasn't sure if they were visits or just me remembering times together.
I definitely believe in everything Gabreael writes about in her journal. I am not sure what that first dream of my Mom means but I am sure maybe one day it will be clear.
Lately, I haven't had dreams of her and I miss her. Maybe she has finally moved on to the next level where she has found the peace I so thought she would find. Or maybe she is just too darn busy traveling all over and is happy with the closure we finally had with the medium and in my dreams. Whatever the reason, I know we will be together again someday!

I am a Newbe once again

2005-11-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

I have played around a little bit with this new journal and I do feel stupid once again. It is like when I first started my aol journal, I was so determined to learn this stuff it became an addiction of sorts. Now here I am again getting frustrated and confused. UGH! I just tried to get one of those little subscribe to bloglines icon thing on my journal-AH NO-didn't happen. Why don't I just go back to Aol and journal there? ? Well, I don't know really, I don't like the adds but I can deal. I think it is more the freedom of speech I find here. I don't have people reading my journal that I don't want to ya know?
We had a family session of counseling with Ben tonight. It went okay. I think Ben felt a little bit like we ganged up on him because he has displayed some real anger lately over small things and I mentioned it to her. Normal to regress, I know, but hard to deal with. We will get there, just takes time.

Sometimes I just get so mad at myself-at things I can't control. (this statement was just a light bulb moment for me) The other night when I was out for my birthday, I didn't know what to expect and I felt so uncomfortable and anxious-I didn't like it at all. It took me some time to get into the swing of things and enjoy myself. Funny how we always learn things about ourselves if you just listen to yourself. So now do you understand Ben's struggle? I Know I DO!!

John and I will NEVER agree on money-never! And this has been a 13 year battle. I clean 2 places a week as you know and the money I make from that has been going directly to savings for Christmas. I saved over $900.00 in 3 or so months. I have NEVER saved that much in my life! I couldn't have done it without John's direction-or should I say untimatum? But I am now glad we did it. So I feel like I can spend what I want where I want for Christmas. My gram recently had neck surgery. She is 85 and her only real pleasure in life in Bingo and doing puzzles. So I bought her a craft table with a slant for Christmas- $140.00. Normally we would spend $50.00 on her like we do each his parents, but she needs this. He had a fit, ranting and raving and saying I just don't get it with money. He just paid the $670.00 hospital bill from when I fell this summer and hurt my elbow and pretty much blamed me for horsing around and getting hurt. Did I even think about that bill when it came in, he asks? Honestly, I thought-Hospitals charge too much and we can make payments on it like everyone else in the world. (See I did give it some thought) Oh, but no, no, it wasn't John's way of thinking so it was the wrong way of "thought". Yet when he needs a $300.00 snowmobile part to make it go faster he won't think twice about spending the money! And I say nothing. Man oh man, sorry to vent but I am finding this theraputic and discovering a few things here in my head. My living month to month, buried two husbands and a daughter, grandmother is getting her damn table and he has nothing to say about it! I didn't scrub toilets for nothing!!!

My Birthday

2005-11-26T03:03:00.000-08:00

My Birthday!!! John and Elisabeth rented a limo for us to go down to Portland to go out. That was my surprise! So here we are in the limo.

Pic 1 Sherri,Elisabeth, Michelle, and Me.

Pic 2 Sherri, Elisabeth, me and Tammy!!(Live Life or Miss Out)

Pic 3 Michelle and I!!

I have to say I really took it easy in the drinking department. I was just worried I would get suckered into shots and bought drinks and I would be a mess today! But that didn't happen, I was very well behaved and monitored my intake and had lots of water!! I can't say the same for everyone else but that is okay! Tammy did behave though!!! She was going to leave early but decided to stay. She was getting so many compliments on how photogenic she is, ofcourse she stayed!! LOL I am glad she did, she deserves to hear compliments!!
It was a good night with good friends who care about me and that is more than I could ask for! I feel sorry for the self absorbed "friends" that didn't getting invited, they just don't "get it"! I didn't even get so much as a phone call from them yesterday or an e-mail! Unreal hugh? But they could spend atleast 2 days a week at my pool all summer and ask me to watch their kids. I also was the person who helped organize THEIR Birthday parties and did invitations etc, etc...And I don't even get a stinking phone call. This has been the final straw and so help me God if I get another phone call with something they want from me or need from me I am going to lose it on them and stick up for myself for a change and tell them just how it is! (Ya, right, I hope so) I just am so disappointed in them-I really thought maybe they would come through. I thought I have to be wrong about them, no one can be THAT self absorbed! HA! Guess I will just chalk it up as lesson learned. You know my friend Pearl, who I never see anymore even called me! Just goes to show what kind of people I should call friends. I hope I finally learned this one!

I am tired today because I got in at 2:15 and up at 7:30!!! But I will get to bed early tonight and love it!!! I am in for a night of pizza and movies with the kids and I will enjoy every minute of it!!

I Hate Shopping

2005-11-23T22:58:00.000-08:00

You would think being a woman who likes to wear cute stylish clothes that I would like shopping. But I don't-hate it actually.I hate the crowds and the Christmas hub bub (this time of year). I get a runny nose every time I enter a mall I swear! I am allergic to it! (it is something in the dies of the clothes or something!)
Tonight I had to go shopping for an outfit for Friday. I DID NOT want to have to go out Friday to find something! I did find some good jeans at a good price but I didn't have much luck in the blazer/shirt underneath thing. I did buy something but I am not sure if that is what I want to wear Friday.
Speaking of Friday, it is getting interesting. My grandmother asked what I was doing for my birthday and I said something I just don't know what. "I know!" She says! "And it is a big one and I bet you'll cry!" So ofcourse it has gotten my mind rolling! What the hell is going on??? I have some ideas but I don't want to even say so I don't spoil it for myself like I always do! I am excited for Friday!
Now if I could just find a damn shirt....
Ugh Black Friday, here I come.

2005-11-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

A snowy day here today. The kids were outside at 6:00 am this morning even though it hadn't quite started snowing yet and there was just a dusting. Now, 3 hours later there is a few inches and it is very slippery!
Today would have been my biggest day with kids but one is not coming now due to weather, so we are down to six. I have to do a little cooking today for tomorrow. My 10 year old neice is going to help me which she is very excited about. Right now, she and Ben are sitting on the couch reading. Ya, reading.(What great kids) We went to the library yesterday and I suggested to Kelsey "Are You There God, It's me Margaret" Member that one? I was a huge fan of Judy Bloom's as a kid. And I think it will be good for her because I honestly don't know if her own parents actually talk to her about stuff like the book talks about-which is sad I know but it is what it is. I am not going to pat myself on the back too much here but I do think her and her sister being here under my care is the best thing possible for them. I am not saying they don't have loving parents-they do-but being divorced can make a parent "distracted" if you know what I mean. This 10 year old girl has had to take on the responsibility of taking care of her 5 year old sister and it drives me mad. But I say not a word because if I were too, it would be hell to pay on my end and I do not want to ruin the girl's chance of staying under my care before and after school. I also know not to judge until you walk in that person's shoes. Oh ya, did I mention they are my brother-in-law's kids, Those of you who know me and my history-know how difficult that whole story is.
Anyway, tonight I am going shopping with my friend Michelle! Birthday shopping for an outfit and all the other shit I need! Which sucks in a way because I wish I could just blow the money John gave me on fun stuff for me but I am out of everything I need. Socks, underwear, bras. makeup, shampoo....I initially had wanted to blow like 80 bucks on a pair of jeans but now, I just can't justify it. Man, I hope I find some good deals. Michelle better be ready to rock-n-roll broken foot and all!
Well, I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! Be grateful for everthing and everyone!! Good Day!

It is a Rainy Tuesday and I am stuck in my House!

2005-11-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

I must tell you that I am very excited about this new journal and I sincerely wish I had more time! This week is the kids Thanksgiving vacation! Ya, that is right! They get a vacation this week! I never had that!! So my house is full and it is rainy and windy and cold! So far so good though. They are watching a movie right now. This afternoon we are going to the library-again.
I love the library. I get Cd's and DVD's and books-how I love books!
Okay so now that I am in this new space and if I can be smart enough not to send the link to the wrong person I can speak freely right? And tell ya all what is going on in my life. So here goes...
Friday is my birthday. I am a huge baby when it comes to my birthday. I am not entirely sure why but I think it has to do with some disappointing birthdays I had as a child. So now as an adult I tend to get my hopes up for celebrations. I don't think it is about "getting stuff", I think it is more about getting appreciations and feeling valued. I just want one day ya know? I give and give all year long to others and I just feel like I deserve a little love for one day.
So my husband knowing this, is doing his best to make sure I get that. My friend Michelle and Elisabeth are in on this and planning something-I do not know what. This is the thing. I do not want anyone being a part of this that aren't truly sincere in caring about me. As you know I have a few certain people in my life who I have felt have abandoned me since summer is gone. Unless they approach John with sincere feelings of wanting to be part of MY night then I don't want them around. When they are around it seems to only be about them anyway. I hope that this doesn't cause problems between anyone but maybe it will be just the eye opener they need. Most likely it won't but I can be naive and think it will right?
It is just too bad because if these certain people would take a minute to stop thinking about themselves they might realize that they are messing up a potentially great friendship with a good person. ME! I am a loyal friend and pretty smart when it comes to life stuff. I have lived a life of experience. Trial and error, live and learn. I may have trouble with my son's 3rd grade math but I know a lot about life! LOL.
So it will be interesting how this all turns out. Thanksgiving I will be spending time with John's family and one of these persons I speak of will be there and it will be fine. We will talk and laugh and have a good time just like we did all summer. But I swear I will not mention a thing about my Friday adventure. Nor will John, unless sincerely approached by her. (which I kinda hope doesn't happen because I just don't trust that it is sincere)
I will keep you updated on the chain of events.
Well, I must get off of this thing-kids are getting restless and need some re-directing.

2005-11-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

Entry from Aol Journal January 05
A Mothers Mid-Summer Prayer
Dear God,Grant me the strength to last until Back to School Night.Give me the energy to drive the swim team carpool, take knots out of wet shoelaces with my teeth and untangle the dog from the sprinkler hose.Grant me the wisdom to remember the name of the red-headed kid from down the street who hasn't left our house since July.Walk with me through the backyard over piles of wet bathing suits and empty ice cream cups, to rescue my good lipstick from the bottom of the wading pool.Give me the courage to accept that everything in the refrigerator either has a bite out of it, had a finger stuck in it or is reproducing in the vegtable crisper underneath the expensive cheese.Guide me down the hallway to the laundry room, where I can experience five minutes of peace and quiet by turning the lights out and climbing on the dryer so the kids can't see my feet underneath the door.Help me accept that fact that even if I take the kids to the circus, install a pool in the backyard, go on a safari, and carve a redwood tree into a canoe and sail down the Congo, my children will end each day with, "I'm bored." Grant me the serenity to smile when my husband insists on tossing the Hamburger Helper on the grill because "everything taste better barbequed."In your infinite wisdom, show me how to disconnect the video game console that hasn't been turned off since June 22.Comfort me when I realize the color of my earth-tone carpet has changed into a mixture of melted blue Popsicle and the remains of somebody's purple slushie.And if I ask too much, God, just give me the foresight to know that one day-not too many years from now-the barbeque, the television and sprinkler hose will be off; the refrigerator, front door and garage will all be closed, and I will wonder where my children-and the little redheaded boy with glasses-went.

Written by: Debbie Farmer
This I found in Chicken Soup For the Mothers Soul 2. After my day yesterday, I found it fitting. I know all too well that the day will come and my boys will be gone. I fear that day actually. This, being a Mom, is where I feel best. I am good at this and I have known my entire life this is what I want to do. How many people are doing exactly what they dreamed? Sure I would love to be independantly wealthy and spend my time at the gym and shopping inbetween this mother gig, but that isn't realistic now is it? I love being the one who hears what my kids day has been like as I desperately try to warm up in the bath tub after yet another frigid day! Even though I had begged for 10 minutes alone so I could "relax." I love being the one who at 4am is trying to help teach my 5 year old to blow his nose because he has woken up crying that his nose is "just so weird, there is the hugest booger right here in the middle" And when my lesson on nose blowing doesn't go well he says, "NO, I just have to go wipe my nose on my bed!" Ya, well, it's 4 am, whatever works for ya bud!Not a day goes by that I don't feel truly blessed. Well maybe yesterday LOL. I am pretty darn happy with my dull little life as a Mom and a wife;)

Just Practicing

2005-11-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

I was just getting really frustrated with trying to figure out how to put in pictures and had to leave it for a bit.
We played Pictionary with the kids-a very low key, cheating version! It went pretty well. Jack can just get so frustrated! I tried so hard to keep him calm-did okay.

Ahhh yes this new journal-I can't even post in my Aol journal at this point-it is all wacked out and irritating the snot out of me! I doubt we will get rid of aol all together. John is using the computer more and more and I think something new would throw him for a loop. But I am liking this blogspot format and eventually I will get how to put pictures where I want them. It just takes time. But how do I highlight journals I want to go back to? Mmmmm? It is just a matter of time and fooling around with it. I just don't normally have that kind of time on my hands.

John was not impressed at the fact that I was putting this picture in. This was our anniversay in Sept, later in the night. I don't think he was as intoxicated as he looks! Lol!

I think tomorrow we will venture out to go see "Potter" We will go early because I hate a bad seat in the movie theater! I think Marc and Tammy will join us.

You know I am starting to think I will really like this new little area of the world. I can say whatever I want and the chances of being found by certain people in my life is very slim! Wow, that felt good. All you aol friends know the deal-summer is gone and so are the friends that I was surrounded by this summer. (Pool is closed) Losers! One day I will learn, I hope this will be the year I finally get strong enough to tell them to go jump off a bridge when I get that first call come summer. Sometimes I just wish I didn't want them to be around, but I do. I have fun with them and when they are here I feel like we are bonding. But then just as summer disappears so do they and their phone calls and concern for me. I am history. It is probably just as well but I can't say it still doesn't bother me or hurt my feelings.

Whatever, I hope this blog won't just be about my bitching! It won't I promise but I just needed to vent!!

Please anyone feel free to comment and leave a link or any advice for my journal. I would appreciate it!!

Help!

2005-11-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what I am doing here in this Blogspot! I want to post some pictures but haven't quite ventured that far yet. I just want to do a quick entry so I can see what it looks like. Come on old AOL friends, where are you when I need you!!!